Santa's Pet Peeves

•  Kids who refuse to believe that it's fruitcake on your breath and not gin.
• When the last guy to use the beard leaves bits of his lunch in it.
• Even with the costume, people recognizing you from "Crime Watch".
• Parents who get all uptight when you offer their kids a swig from your hip flask.
• Enduring the taunts of your old buddies from Drama School.
• Those dorks in the Power Rangers costumes get all the babes.
• Kids who don't understand that Santa's been a little jittery since he got back from 'Nam.
• Two words: lap rash

Gas Up

I asked my dentist if I could have some of his laughing gas.
He said, "Sure, knock yourself out."

Doctor's Notes

A man comes into the ER and yells; "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - and I was in the wrong one.