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The best jokes and joke writers!

Mile High

A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window. A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong, mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep. The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can move aside to let him go to the bathroom. He knows he can't climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do. Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes through the little guy. He can't hold it in any longer and hurls all over the big guy's chest. About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him. "So," says the little guy, "are you feeling any better now?"

Watch Those Buttons

One day John decides to invite Mark on a trip on his private jet. Whilst on this luxury aeroplane Mark asks where the toilet is. John shows him and says to him "inside there are 3 buttons, whatever you do don't press the third one." Mark proceeds to the toilet and does his business. Whilst sitting on the toilet he presses the first button. Suddenly his privates are cleaned thoroughly. He enjoys this and presses the second button. Dryers appear and dry his privates. He is intrigued to find out what button 3 does, so he pushes it. The next thing Mark sees is John staring at him... "what happened?" Mark asks shakily. "Well you pressed the third button and now you are in hospital." "Why do my privates hurt so bad?" Mark asked anxiously... John replies "Well you activated the automatic tampon remover."

Haircut Before a Trip

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?" "We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!" "TWA?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?" "We'll be at the downtown International Marriott." "That dump!? That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?" "We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope." "That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it." A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome. "It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel - it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!" "Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the pope." "Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me." "Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?" He said, "Where'd you get the lousy haircut?

The 3 Guys in a Plane

There were 3 guys in a plane. The plane was about to crash.They each had to throw one item out: The 1st guy threw out an apple. The 2nd one threw out a banana. The 3rd one threw out a bomb. There were 3 guys below them. 2 were crying, 1 was laughing. A guy went up to the 1st one and asked, "Why are you crying?" He answered, "an apple hit me on the head." He went up to the 2nd one and asked, "Why are you crying?" He answered, "a banana hit me on the head." He went up to the 3rd one and asked, "Why are you laughing?" He answered, "I farted and my house blew up!"

A General's Lesson

As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him. Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear. Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, General," she says quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?" The old man smiled serenely and said, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose."