Star Wars Update Changes

Top Ten Changes to the new Star Wars update
#10 Tie fighters replaced with black UN helicopters lead by Buotros Buotros Vader.
#9 Sand People replaced by Michigan Militia members (and still walk single file to hide their numbers).
#8 Kahn turns out to be Captain Kirk's father (whoops, that's from the Top Ten new Star Trek movie changes).
#7 Chewbacca now giggles when you tickle his tummy.
#6 If you look closely, storm troopers now have Microsoft employee badges.
#5 Original Jawas: Killed by Storm Troopers for having R2 and C3P0. New Jawas: Killed for pitching yet another lame JAVA product "concept".
#4 Obi Wan's name changed to OS/2 Kenobi. Uncle Owen now constantly says "I think he died X years ago" where X changes between 10 years before to 10 years in the future. Storm troopers now don't kill Uncle Owen but instead appoint him head of the Imperial press.
#3 Amiga users upset because the new computers in the Death Star are PC's when they could have been replaced with a single Amiga 1000 with 512K of ram and still run "tons faster and do real multitasking unlike those PEE-CEEs"
#2 The Canteen now has real rock stars in it. They look as they normally do but still manage to look more alien than the original aliens in there.
#1 Death Star's old slogan: "Fear this battle station" Death Star's NEW slogan: "Where do you want to go today?"

Signs Your Relationship Is On The Rocks

Top Ten Signs Your Relationship Is On The Rocks
10. Her term of affection for you is "You Bastard."
9. She shaves your eyebrows off while you are asleep.
8. She rushes to answer the phone each time it rings, and puts it down with a hushed, "I can't talk now... I'll call you later."
7. Your picture on her wall has darts in it.
6. She reads books like "Women are From Venus, Men Are Complete Assholes."
5. She falls asleep during sex. The oral kind. While she's giving it.
4. When you call her, she answers your voice with, "Oh. It's only you."
3. She cancels your date because she has to clean out the septic tank.
2. She makes inquiries about going on the Witness Protection Program.
1. Her cat pees on you. And receives a reward.

Not the Sexiest Man Alive

From David Letterman - Tuesday, January 31, 1995
Top Ten Signs You're Not The Sexiest Man Alive
 
10. When people see you, they often ask, "Is it Halloween already?"
9. You appear in TV Guide crossword puzzle with the clue, "Siskel and ___"
8. The best term to describe you is "super hairy".
7. You parachuted into Super Bowl with a dog and a bag of pretzels.
6. Photos of you used as a birth-control device.
5. You take a stroll and the local zoo is flooded with calls about an escaped orangutan.
4. As you walk toward rack of Speedos, you hear clerks murmuring, "Oh God, no".
3. Your name is Tom Wilkins and you're seated in the 6th row of the Ed Sullivan Theater.
2. Hookers always telling you "Not on the first date".
1. Richard Simmons never follows you home.