Not the Sexiest Man Alive

From David Letterman - Tuesday, January 31, 1995
Top Ten Signs You're Not The Sexiest Man Alive
 
10. When people see you, they often ask, "Is it Halloween already?"
9. You appear in TV Guide crossword puzzle with the clue, "Siskel and ___"
8. The best term to describe you is "super hairy".
7. You parachuted into Super Bowl with a dog and a bag of pretzels.
6. Photos of you used as a birth-control device.
5. You take a stroll and the local zoo is flooded with calls about an escaped orangutan.
4. As you walk toward rack of Speedos, you hear clerks murmuring, "Oh God, no".
3. Your name is Tom Wilkins and you're seated in the 6th row of the Ed Sullivan Theater.
2. Hookers always telling you "Not on the first date".
1. Richard Simmons never follows you home.

Top 10 Bumper Stickers!

1. Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.
2. If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
3. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
4. To All You Virgins, Thanks For Nothing.
5. Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings"
6. I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha
7. Illiterate? Write For Help
8. If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong
9. Cat: The Other White Meat
10. Heart Attacks...God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends

Things in Life I've Learned

• I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
• I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.
• I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
• I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big dick or huge tits.
• I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.
• I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones who do.
• I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.
• I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.
• I've learned to say "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke" in 6 languages.