Internet Crime Heroes

The Top 10 Superheroes Needed To Fight Cybercrime

1. Inspector Gadget
2. Chief Wiggum from the Simpsons
3. Captain America On Line
4. The Wonder Barbi Twins
5. The Silver Surfer
6. The XXX Men (they handle strictly cyber porn)
7. Up in the sky, wearing glasses, a big letter E on his chest and a "Nets"cape, its Bill Gates as GEEKMAN!!!
8. DBase Ventura
9. Fred, Daphne, Velma, Shaggy and Scooby with the Mystery Machine (Jinkies, there goes another hacker!!)
10. Who else knows the web better than Spiderman!?

Tech Talk

• Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
• My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
• Definition of an upgrade: old bugs out, new ones in.
• C:\> Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
• Why doesn't it ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename"?
• As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
• Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
• E Pluribus Modem
• >File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
• Ethernet (n): something used to catch the Etherbunny.
• A mainframe: the biggest PC peripheral available.
• A computer's attention span is as long as it's power cord.
• Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
• Windows: just another pane in the glass.
• Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.
• All computers wait at the same speed.
• Go ahead, make my data.
• Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
• Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
• ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI.
• Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.

America Offline

[To the tune of "American Pie"]
A long, long, time ago I can still remember when I dialed up their help desk lines. And I knew if I had the chance, They could make my modem dance with chats and GIFs and silly pick-up lines. But Help Desk phone calls made me shiver with every busy they'd deliver. Bad news on the front page A 19-hour outrage. I can't remember if I cried when I realized that Steve Case had lied. But something touched me deep inside The day the service died. So bye bye to Amer'ca Online, Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine. And good old geeks are cheering users offline Saying this'll be the day that they die. This'll be the day that they die. Did you write the book of TOS, Will you send your password to PWD-BOSS, If an IM tells you so. And will you believe the Motley Fool When he tells you that the service rules, And can you teach me how to Web real slow? Well I know you sold the service short, Cause I saw your quarterly report. Steve Case sold off his stock, It fell just like a rock. It was a crazy, costly high-tech play, As they slashed away at what subscribers pay, And half their users went away the day the service died. So bye bye to Amer'ca Online Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine, And good old geeks are cheering users offline, Saying this'll be the day that they die. This'll be the day that they die. Well for two days we've been on our own, And dial-ins click on a rolling phone, But that's not how it used to be, When the mogul came to Virginia court, With an OS icon and a browser port, And a desktop that looked like Apple III. And while Jim Clark was looking down, The mogul stole his thorny crown, The browser war was turned. Mozilla... was spurned. And while Steve left users out to bond, With hosts unable to respond 6 million newbies all were conned the day the service died. So bye bye to Amer'ca Online Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine, And good old geeks are cheering users offline, Saying this'll be the day that they die. This'll be the day that they die. Da Chronic ducked their software guards, And stole a million credit cards, To use accounts he'd gotten free, And so Steve Case went to the FBI and he told Board watch a little lie, That hackers wanted child pornography, But while Steve Case was looking down, The hackers pulled his e-mail down, They put it on the net. He can't be trusted yet! And while user cynicism climbs, At sign-on ads and welcome rhymes They scan their e-mail for "Good Times" the day the service died. So bye bye to Amer'ca Online Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine, And good old geeks are cheering users offline, Saying this'll be the day that they die. This'll be the day that they die. Helter-skelter billing needs a melter, The lawyers filed a class-action shelter Eight million in lawyer's fees. But it looks like some attorney jibe an hour if they resubscribe. To a service marketed for free, Well I KNOW you're raking in the bucks Cause I'm reading alt. aol-sucks. "Until we bless the suit The settlement is moot." "If AOL treats you like the Borg, Then visit aolsucks.org Before some router pulls the cord..." the day the service died. So bye bye to Amer'ca Online Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine, And good old geeks are cheering users offline, Saying this'll be the day that they die. This'll be the day that they die. Bill Razzouk, the head-to-be sold off his home in Tennessee, And headed for a 4-month end. Was he sad or just incensed when, Case offered him his thirty cents. Billing is the devil's only friend. But as I read him on the page, My hands were clenched in fists of rage. No "Welcome" born in hell could ring that chatroom bell. And as chat freaks cried into the night, CompuServe read their last rites. I saw Earthlink laughing with delight the day the service died. So bye bye to Amer'ca Online Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine, And good old geeks are cheering users offline, Saying this'll be the day that they die. This'll be the day that they die. I met a girl in Lobby 9, And I asked her if she'd stay on-line. But she just frowned and looked away. And I went back to the Member Lounge, To see what loyalty I could scrounge, But Room Host said the members went away... And on the net the modems scream At faster speeds and data streams. And not a tear was spoken. The hourly fees were broken. And the three men that I hated most Ted, and Steve, and Razzouk's ghost They couldn't dial up the host The day the service died.