Computer Like Britney Spears

My computer is like Britney Spears; cheap, white, and plastic.

America Offline

[To the tune of "American Pie"]
A long, long, time ago I can still remember when I dialed up their help desk lines. And I knew if I had the chance, They could make my modem dance with chats and GIFs and silly pick-up lines. But Help Desk phone calls made me shiver with every busy they'd deliver. Bad news on the front page A 19-hour outrage. I can't remember if I cried when I realized that Steve Case had lied. But something touched me deep inside The day the service died. So bye bye to Amer'ca Online, Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine. And good old geeks are cheering users offline Saying this'll be the day that they die. This'll be the day that they die. Did you write the book of TOS, Will you send your password to PWD-BOSS, If an IM tells you so. And will you believe the Motley Fool When he tells you that the service rules, And can you teach me how to Web real slow? Well I know you sold the service short, Cause I saw your quarterly report. Steve Case sold off his stock, It fell just like a rock. It was a crazy, costly high-tech play, As they slashed away at what subscribers pay, And half their users went away the day the service died. So bye bye to Amer'ca Online Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine, And good old geeks are cheering users offline, Saying this'll be the day that they die. This'll be the day that they die. Well for two days we've been on our own, And dial-ins click on a rolling phone, But that's not how it used to be, When the mogul came to Virginia court, With an OS icon and a browser port, And a desktop that looked like Apple III. And while Jim Clark was looking down, The mogul stole his thorny crown, The browser war was turned. Mozilla... was spurned. And while Steve left users out to bond, With hosts unable to respond 6 million newbies all were conned the day the service died. So bye bye to Amer'ca Online Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine, And good old geeks are cheering users offline, Saying this'll be the day that they die. This'll be the day that they die. Da Chronic ducked their software guards, And stole a million credit cards, To use accounts he'd gotten free, And so Steve Case went to the FBI and he told Board watch a little lie, That hackers wanted child pornography, But while Steve Case was looking down, The hackers pulled his e-mail down, They put it on the net. He can't be trusted yet! And while user cynicism climbs, At sign-on ads and welcome rhymes They scan their e-mail for "Good Times" the day the service died. So bye bye to Amer'ca Online Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine, And good old geeks are cheering users offline, Saying this'll be the day that they die. This'll be the day that they die. Helter-skelter billing needs a melter, The lawyers filed a class-action shelter Eight million in lawyer's fees. But it looks like some attorney jibe an hour if they resubscribe. To a service marketed for free, Well I KNOW you're raking in the bucks Cause I'm reading alt. aol-sucks. "Until we bless the suit The settlement is moot." "If AOL treats you like the Borg, Then visit aolsucks.org Before some router pulls the cord..." the day the service died. So bye bye to Amer'ca Online Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine, And good old geeks are cheering users offline, Saying this'll be the day that they die. This'll be the day that they die. Bill Razzouk, the head-to-be sold off his home in Tennessee, And headed for a 4-month end. Was he sad or just incensed when, Case offered him his thirty cents. Billing is the devil's only friend. But as I read him on the page, My hands were clenched in fists of rage. No "Welcome" born in hell could ring that chatroom bell. And as chat freaks cried into the night, CompuServe read their last rites. I saw Earthlink laughing with delight the day the service died. So bye bye to Amer'ca Online Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine, And good old geeks are cheering users offline, Saying this'll be the day that they die. This'll be the day that they die. I met a girl in Lobby 9, And I asked her if she'd stay on-line. But she just frowned and looked away. And I went back to the Member Lounge, To see what loyalty I could scrounge, But Room Host said the members went away... And on the net the modems scream At faster speeds and data streams. And not a tear was spoken. The hourly fees were broken. And the three men that I hated most Ted, and Steve, and Razzouk's ghost They couldn't dial up the host The day the service died.

Abbott Calling Costello

Costello calls Abbott with some questions about UNIX.
Costello: What is the command that will tell me the revision code of a program?
Abbott: Yes, that's correct.
Costello: No, what is it?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: So, which is the one?
Abbott: No. 'which' is used to find the program.
Costello: Stop this. Who are you?
Abbott: Use 'who am i' not 'who r yoo'. You can also 'finger yoo' to get information about 'yoo'.
Costello: All I want to know is what finds the revision code?
Abbott: Use 'what'.
Costello: That's what I am trying to find out. Isn't that true?
Abbott: No. 'true' gives you 0.
Costello: Which one?
Abbott: 'true' gives you 0. 'which programname'
Costello: Let's get back to my problem. What program? How do I find it?
Abbott: Type 'find / -name it -print' to find 'it'. Type 'what program' to get the revision code.
Costello: I want to find the revision code.
Abbott: You can't 'find revision code', you must use 'what program'.
Costello: Which command will do what I need?
Abbott: No. 'which command' will find 'command'.
Costello: I think I understand. Let me write that.
Abbott: You can 'write that' only if 'that' is a user on your system.
Costello: Write what?
Abbott: No. 'write that'. 'what program'.
Costello: Cut that out!
Abbott: Yes. those are valid files for 'cut'. Don't forget the options.
Costello: Do you always do this?
Abbott: 'du' will give you disk usage.
Costello: HELP!
Abbott: 'help' is only used for Source Code Control System (SCCS).
Costello: You make me angry.
Abbott: No, I don't 'make me' angry but I did 'make program name' when I was upset once.
Costello: I don't want to make trouble, so no more.
Abbott: No 'more'? 'which' will help you find 'more'. Every system has 'more'.
Costello: Nice help! I'm confused more now!
Abbott: Understand that since 'help' is such a small program, it is better not to 'nice help'. and 'more now' is not allowed but 'at now' is. Unless of course 'now' is a file name.
Costello: This is almost as confusing as my PC.
Abbott: I didn't know you needed help with 'pc'. Let me get you to the Pascal compiler team.