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The best jokes and joke writers!

Men Vs. Women

1. Relationships

First of all, a man does not call it a relationship. He refers to it as a romance, or a period of dating, of going out, or, in some unfortunate circumstances, "That time when me and Suzie was doing it on a semi-regular basis."

When a relationship ends, a woman will cry, and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men are Morons." Then she will get on with her life.

A man has a little more trouble letting go. For six months, his ex may not hear from him, but then late on Saturday night/Sunday morning, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total b**ch. But I want to let you know there's always a chance for us."

This is known as the "I Hate You/I Love You" drunken phone call. Ninety-nine percent of all men past the age of 21 have made this call at least once. Some men make a career of these calls. There are community colleges that offer extensive courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective.

2. Sex

Women prefer 30 to 45 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30 to 45 seconds of foreplay, less if at all possible. For the man, driving back to her place is considered a part of foreplay.

3. Maturity

Women mature at a much faster rate than men. Most 17 year old females can function as adults. Most 17 year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work.

4. Hats

Women look good in hats; men look like idiots.

5. Groceries

A woman knows how to shop for groceries. She makes a list of the things she needs, and then goes to the store and buys these things.

A man does not shop on a frequent basis. He waits until the only items left in his refrigerator are an opened can of Schlitz and a half a lime. Then he goes grocery shopping.

A man buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on the Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10 items or less lane.

6. Magazines

Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked ladies. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked ladies. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Naked men elicit laughter from women.

7. Handwriting

To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken scratch.

Women use scented, colored stationary, and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's." It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

8. Comedy

Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television, and an episode of The Three Stooges comes on. Immediately, the men will get very excited; they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's favorite stooge. The woman will roll their eyes and groan and wait it out.

9. Bathrooms

A man has 6 items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, a razor, a bar of Dial soap and a towel from a Holiday Inn. The average number of items in a typical American women's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items. Most men take only 2-3 minutes to relieve themselves. Women's Restrooms always have long lines.

10. Going Out

When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she will be ready, as soon as she finds her other earring, makes one phone call and finishes putting on her makeup.

11. Cats

Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men abuse cats.

12. Shoes

When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then slip in Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Sacks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear one pair of shoes for the entire day.

13. Leg Warmers

Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants. A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the Ball" number in A Chorus Line.

14. Mirrors

Men are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface, mirrors, spoons, store window, toasters, Joe Garagiola's head.

15. Menopause

When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction --- he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.

16. The Telephone

Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

17. Low Blows

Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on television. One of the figures is felled by a low blow. The woman says, "Oh gee, that must hurt." The man doubles over and actually feels the pain.

18. Directions

If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get there," and, "I know I'm in the general neighborhood. I recognize that White Hen store."

19. Admitting Mistakes

Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted he was wrong was General George Custer.

20. Richard Gere

Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women.

21. Dressing Up

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

22. Nicknames

With the exception of female body builders, who call each other names like "Ultimate Pecs" and "Big Turk," women eschew the use of nicknames. If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle. But if Mike, Dirk, Clint, and Jack go out for a brewski, they will affectionately refer to one another as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut-Brain, and Useless.

23. Toys

Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical.

Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's. Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate.

24. Plants

A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.

25. Mustaches

Some men look good with mustaches. Those men are Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds. There are no women who look good with mustaches.

26. Cameras

Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course women always end up taking better pictures.

27. Locker Rooms

In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women.

Women talk about one thing in the locker room -- sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.

28. Laundry

Women do the laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were really hip about eight years ago, before he will do the laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatsuit inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of dirty clothes to the laundromat.

Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat, but this is only a myth perpetuated by old reruns of Love American Style.

29. Politics

Men love to talk politics, but often they forget to do political things such as voting. Women are very happy that another generation of Kennedy's is growing up and getting into politics because they will be able to campaign for them and cry on election night.

30. Weddings

When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony." Men talk about "the bachelor party."

31. Cheerleaders

Female cheerleaders are cute, sexy, fresh, and all American. Male cheerleaders are scary.

32. Socks

Men are sensible about socks. They wear argyle socks or standard white sweatsocks.

Women wear strange socks. Socks with pictures of clouds on them. Socks that are cut way below their ankles. Socks that have little fuzzy balls on the back.

33. Garages

Women use garages to park their cars and store their lawnmowers. Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, and they watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in garages.

34. Movies

For women, their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivien Leigh for the first time in Gone With the Wind. For men, it's when Jimmy Cagney shoves grapefruit in May Clark's face in Public Enemy.

35. Jewelry

Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.

36. The Most Important Difference of All: Colored Underwear

Women are allowed, in fact encouraged, to wear colored underwear. There is no reason for a man to ever, ever, wear anything besides solid white.

Light Bulbs And Men

Q: How are men like light bulbs?

A: You have to screw both of them to get a response!

Lifestyles of Men and Women

Women's Lifestyles Through the Ages

AGE... DRINK -

  • 17: Winecoolers
  • 25: White wine
  • 35: Red wine
  • 48: Dom Perignon
  • 66: Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser

EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES -

  • 17: Need to wash my hair
  • 25: Need to wash and condition my hair
  • 35: Need to color my hair
  • 48: Need to have Francois color my hair
  • 66: Need to have Francois color my wig

FAVORITE SPORT -

  • 17: shopping
  • 25: shopping
  • 35: shopping
  • 48: shopping
  • 66: shopping

FAVORITE DRUG -

  • 17: shopping
  • 25: shopping
  • 35: shopping
  • 48: shopping
  • 66: shopping

DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE -

  • 17: "Burger King"
  • 25: "Free meal"
  • 35: "A diamond"
  • 48: "A bigger diamond"
  • 66: "Home Alone"

FAVORITE FANTASY -

  • 17: tall, dark and handsome
  • 25: tall, dark and handsome with money
  • 35: tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
  • 48: a man with hair
  • 66: a man

HOUSE PET -

  • 17: Muffy the cat
  • 25: Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
  • 35: Irish setter and Muffy the Cat
  • 48: Children from his first marriage and Muffy theCat
  • 66: Retired husband who dabbles in taxidermy and stuffs Muffy the Cat

WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?

  • 17: 17
  • 25: 25
  • 35: 35
  • 48: 48
  • 66: 66

IDEAL DATE -

  • 17: He offers to pay
  • 25: He pays
  • 35: He cooks breakfast the next morning
  • 48: He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
  • 66: He can chew breakfast

 

Men's Lifestyles Through the Ages

DRINK -

  • 17: Beer
  • 25: Beer
  • 35: Scotch
  • 48: Double scotch
  • 66: Maalox

SEDUCTION LINE -

  • 17: My parents are away for the weekend.
  • 25: My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
  • 35: My fiancee is away for the weekend.
  • 48: My wife is away for the weekend.
  • 66: My second wife is dead.

FAVORITE SPORT -

  • 17: Sex
  • 25: Sex
  • 35: Sex
  • 48: Sex
  • 66: Napping

FAVORITE DRUG -

  • 17: Pot
  • 25: Cocaine
  • 35: Really good cocaine
  • 48: Power
  • 66: Advil

DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE -

  • 17: Cop a feel
  • 25: Breakfast
  • 35: She didn't set back my therapy
  • 48: I didn't bump into her kids.
  • 66: An actual erection

FAVORITE FANTASY -

  • 17: Thirdbase
  • 25: Airplane sex
  • 35: Menage a trois
  • 48: Taking her company public
  • 66: Swiss maid and/or Nazi love slave

HOUSE PET -

  • 17: Roaches (to be burned later)
  • 25: Old college roommate
  • 35: Irish setter
  • 48: Children from her first marriage
  • 66: Barbi

THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED -

  • 17: 25
  • 25: 35
  • 35: 48
  • 48: 66
  • 66: 17

IDEAL DATE -

  • 17: Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
  • 25: Split the check before we go back to my place
  • 35: Just come over
  • 48: Just come over and cook
  • 66: Sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas to see Frank

Senior Sex

An old woman in a Nursing Home looks up one day to find an elderly man looking down on her. She smiled and asked him what he wanted. "To get straight to the point, I know we are old and can no longer pleasure in sexual activity, but I was wondering if you would help me." "Of course," she smiled. "I was wondering if we could take a wander down to the park and if your could hold my penis for a while." The old woman saw no harm in it, so she agreed. Since then they made it a regular occurrence, and every day the two elderly people sat on the park bench and she held his penis. One day, the woman went to the bench, but the man was not there. Feeling hurt, she looked around for him. To her amazement, she saw him and another woman- SHE was holding his penis! "What does SHE have that I don't?" She screeched. He looked up at her and smiled. "Parkinsons" he replied.

Men & Women Compared! 02

GROCERIES:

A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a soda. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

SHOES:

When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.

CATS:

Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

LAUNDRY:

Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."

OFFSPRING:

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.