Sexist Jokes - Men vs Women Jokes

Q: How are men like light bulbs?

A: You have to screw both of them to get a response!

Women's Lifestyles Through the Ages

AGE... DRINK -

• 17: Winecoolers
• 25: White wine
• 35: Red wine
• 48: Dom Perignon
• 66: Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser

EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES -

• 17: Need to wash my hair
• 25: Need to wash and condition my hair
• 35: Need to color my hair
• 48: Need to have Francois color my hair
• 66: Need to have Francois color my wig

FAVORITE SPORT -

• 17: shopping
• 25: shopping
• 35: shopping
• 48: shopping
• 66: shopping

FAVORITE DRUG -

• 17: shopping
• 25: shopping
• 35: shopping
• 48: shopping
• 66: shopping

DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE -

• 17: "Burger King"
• 25: "Free meal"
• 35: "A diamond"
• 48: "A bigger diamond"
• 66: "Home Alone"

FAVORITE FANTASY -

• 17: tall, dark and handsome
• 25: tall, dark and handsome with money
• 35: tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
• 48: a man with hair
• 66: a man

HOUSE PET -

• 17: Muffy the cat
• 25: Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
• 35: Irish setter and Muffy the Cat
• 48: Children from his first marriage and Muffy theCat
• 66: Retired husband who dabbles in taxidermy and stuffs Muffy the Cat

WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?

• 17: 17
• 25: 25
• 35: 35
• 48: 48
• 66: 66

IDEAL DATE -

• 17: He offers to pay
• 25: He pays
• 35: He cooks breakfast the next morning
• 48: He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
• 66: He can chew breakfast

Men's Lifestyles Through the Ages

DRINK -

• 17: Beer
• 25: Beer
• 35: Scotch
• 48: Double scotch
• 66: Maalox

SEDUCTION LINE -

• 17: My parents are away for the weekend.
• 25: My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
• 35: My fiancee is away for the weekend.
• 48: My wife is away for the weekend.
• 66: My second wife is dead.

FAVORITE SPORT -

• 17: Sex
• 25: Sex
• 35: Sex
• 48: Sex
• 66: Napping

FAVORITE DRUG -

• 17: Pot
• 25: Cocaine
• 35: Really good cocaine
• 48: Power
• 66: Advil

DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE -

• 17: Cop a feel
• 25: Breakfast
• 35: She didn't set back my therapy
• 48: I didn't bump into her kids.
• 66: An actual erection

FAVORITE FANTASY -

• 17: Thirdbase
• 25: Airplane sex
• 35: Menage a trois
• 48: Taking her company public
• 66: Swiss maid and/or Nazi love slave

HOUSE PET -

• 17: Roaches (to be burned later)
• 25: Old college roommate
• 35: Irish setter
• 48: Children from her first marriage
• 66: Barbi

THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED -

• 17: 25
• 25: 35
• 35: 48
• 48: 66
• 66: 17

IDEAL DATE -

• 17: Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
• 25: Split the check before we go back to my place
• 35: Just come over
• 48: Just come over and cook
• 66: Sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas to see Frank

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?" "Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities." "That is right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked ."Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer." "Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?" "Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place."

An old woman in a Nursing Home looks up one day to find an elderly man looking down on her. She smiled and asked him what he wanted. "To get straight to the point, I know we are old and can no longer pleasure in sexual activity, but I was wondering if you would help me." "Of course," she smiled. "I was wondering if we could take a wander down to the park and if your could hold my penis for a while." The old woman saw no harm in it, so she agreed. Since then they made it a regular occurrence, and every day the two elderly people sat on the park bench and she held his penis. One day, the woman went to the bench, but the man was not there. Feeling hurt, she looked around for him. To her amazement, she saw him and another woman- SHE was holding his penis! "What does SHE have that I don't?" She screeched. He looked up at her and smiled. "Parkinsons" he replied.

GROCERIES:

A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a soda. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

SHOES:

When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.

CATS:

Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

LAUNDRY:

Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."

OFFSPRING:

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.