Opposites Attract

"You and your husband don't seem to have an awful lot in common," said the new tenant's neighbor. "Why on earth did you get married?" "I suppose it was the old business of 'opposites attract'," was the reply. "He wasn't pregnant and I was."

Marriage Quotes

• My other wife is beautiful.
• My wife doesn't care what I do away from home, as long as I don't enjoy it.
• My wife has a split personality, and I hate both of them.
• My wife ran off with my best friend last week. I miss him!
• My wife says if I go fishing one more time she's going to leave me. Gosh, I'm going to miss her.
• My wife submits and I obey; she always lets me have her way.
• Never be unfaithful to a lover, except with your wife.
• No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman.
• Nothing says loving like marrying your cousin!
• I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

The Golden Urinal

A man came home drunk at four in the morning, and his wife was all over him, yelling at him, crying because she thought he was with another woman. "No, honey, I swear, I was at this bar, and it was so fancy that even the urinals were made of GOLD!" She said she didn't believe him, so she called the bar. "Hello," she said, "I just want to ask one question. My husband claims to have spent the night at your bar and I have one question; are your urinals covered in gold?" To which she heard the bartender say, "Hey, Clarence,  I think we found the guy who pissed in your saxophone!"