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The best jokes and joke writers!

Business Is Business

A young Jewish boy starts attending public school in a small town. The teacher of the one-room school decides to use her position to try to influence the new student. She asks the class, "Who was the greatest man that ever lived?" A girl raises her hand and says, "I think George Washington was the greatest man that ever lived because he is the Father of our country." The teacher replies, "Well... that's a good answer, but that's not the answer I am looking for." Another young student raises his hand and says, "I think Abraham Lincoln was the greatest man that lived because he freed the slaves and helped end the civil war." "Well, that's another good answer, but that is not the one I was looking for." Then the new Jewish boy raises his hand and says, "I think Jesus Christ was the greatest man that ever lived." The teacher's mouth drops open in astonishment. "Yes!" she says,"that's the answer I was looking for." She then brings him up to the front of the classroom and gives him a lollipop. Later, during recess, another Jewish boy approaches him as he is licking his lollipop. He says, "Why did you say, 'Jesus Christ'?" The boy stops licking his lollipop and replies, "I know it's Moses, and YOU know it's Moses, but business is business, and who has the lollipop?"

American Worker's Response

An Irish man with a crooked back walks into a coffee shop and sees Jesus sitting in the corner reading the paper. He tells the waitress, "Please send Jesus a cup of coffee, on me." So the waitress takes Jesus a cup of coffee. Then an Arabic man with arthritis walks into the coffee shop and sees Jesus sitting in the corner. He says to the waitress "Send Jesus a muffin, on me." So the waitress sends Jesus a muffin. Finally an American man in a wheelchair rolls into the coffee shop and sees Jesus in the corner. He says to the waitress, "Tell Jesus I'll cover his bill." So the waitress tells Jesus. As Jesus was leaving the coffee house he says to the Irish man, "Thank you for the free coffee. Be healed!" Jesus touches the man's shoulder, and he was miraculously healed. Then Jesus went over to the Arabic man and said, "Thank you for the free muffin. Be healed!" Jesus lightly tapped the man's shoulder, and he was healed. Then jesus went over to the American man and said, "Thank you for covering my bill. Be healed!" As Jesus leaned over to touch him, the man yelled, "Don't touch me man! I'm on workers comp!!"

10 Perks of Hanukkah

1. There's no "Donny and Marie Hanukkah Special"

2. Eight days of presents (in theory, anyway).

3. No need to clean the chimney.

4. There's no latke-nog.

5. Burl Ives doesn't sing Hanukkah songs.

6. You won't be pressured to buy Hanukkah Seals.

7. You won't see, "You're a Putz, Charlie Brown." 

8. No barking dog version of "I had a Little Dreidel."

9. No pine needles to vacuum up afterwards.

10. Blintzes are cheaper to mail than fruitcakes.

Spot The Difference

A very old, but respected man walked into a local tavern. He looked around at the decor and realized it was the holiday season. He saw his neighbor, drunk out of his mind. The old man stepped up to the neighbor and asked him a question, "Jack do you know what difference between the baby Jesus and your wife?" "No," replied the drunk man. "Well the baby Jesus slept with a jackass one night, your wife sleeps with one every night."

How I Want to Go

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his doctor and his lawyer to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit, one on each side of his bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the doctor and lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness and avaricious behavior that made them squirm in their seats. Finally, the doctor said, "Preacher, why did you ask us to come? The old preacher mustered up his strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves... and that's how I want to go."