10 Perks of Hanukkah
1. There's no "Donny and Marie Hanukkah Special"
2. Eight days of presents (in theory, anyway).
3. No need to clean the chimney.
4. There's no latke-nog.
5. Burl Ives doesn't sing Hanukkah songs.
6. You won't be pressured to buy Hanukkah Seals.
7. You won't see, "You're a Putz, Charlie Brown."
8. No barking dog version of "I had a Little Dreidel."
9. No pine needles to vacuum up afterwards.
10. Blintzes are cheaper to mail than fruitcakes.
Spot The Difference
A very old, but respected man walked into a local tavern. He looked around at the decor and realized it was the holiday season. He saw his neighbor, drunk out of his mind. The old man stepped up to the neighbor and asked him a question, "Jack do you know what difference between the baby Jesus and your wife?" "No," replied the drunk man. "Well the baby Jesus slept with a jackass one night, your wife sleeps with one every night."
How I Want to Go
An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his doctor and his lawyer to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit, one on each side of his bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the doctor and lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness and avaricious behavior that made them squirm in their seats. Finally, the doctor said, "Preacher, why did you ask us to come? The old preacher mustered up his strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves... and that's how I want to go."
Q: Have you heard about the new low-fat communion bread?
A: It's called, "I Can't Believe It's Not Jesus"
Jesus and Hitler
Jesus fed 2000 Jews fish and bread.
Hitler made 6 million Jews toast.