Getting Old

You know you're getting older when:

• Everything that works hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
• You feel like the morning after, and you haven't been anywhere.
• Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D.
• Your children are beginning to look middle-aged.
• Your mind makes contracts your body can't keep.
• You look forward to a dull evening.
• Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
• Your back goes out more than you do.
• You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.
• You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.

Old Environmentalists

Old environmentalists never die, they are just recycled

Baseball in Heaven

There were two old guys, Abe and Sol, sitting on a bench in a park feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, just like they did every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?" Soloman thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno, Abe. But let's make a deal: If I die first, I will come back and tell you -- and if you die first, you come back and tell me -- if there is baseball in heaven."
They shake on it and, sadly, a few months later poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol...." Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?" "Yes it is Sol," whispers the spirit of Abe. Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?" "Well," says Abe says, "I got good news and I got bad news." "Gimme the good news first," says Sol. Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven." Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?" Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."