Military Jokes - Army Jokes

Q: How do you stop a Polish army on horseback?

A: Turn off the carousel.

When little Reggie was inducted into the Army, he was advised to act tough. "That's the only way to command respect in the Army," his friends said. So Reggie did his best to carry out the advice. He swaggered all around camp, bragging, blustering and talking out of the corner of his mouth. "Show me a sergeant and I'll show you a dope," Reggie shouted. No sooner had he spoken than a brawny, battle-hardened figure appeared. "I am a sergeant!" he bellowed. "I am a dope," whispered Reggie.

A private saying, “I learned this in boot camp…”

A Sergeant saying, “Trust me, sir…”

A Second Lieutenant saying, “Based on my experience…”

A Captain saying, “I was just thinking…”

A Warrant Officer chuckling, “Watch this shit…”

There's a guy from the ARMY driving from West Point to the Meadowlands, a guy from the NAVY  driving from Annapolis to the Meadowlands, and an Air Force guy  driving from McGwire in South Jerz to the Meadowlands just to watch the Jets.

In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other and all cars go flying off in different directions. The squid manages to climb out of his car and survey the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says, "Man, I am really lucky to be alive!" Likewise the ARMY guy scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage. The Air Force guy just shakes his head and says to himself,  "I can't believe I survived this wreck!"

The NAVY guy walks over to the ARMY and Air Force guys and says, "Hey guys, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of arch rivals." The ARMY guy thinks for a moment and says, "You know, you're absolutely right!  We should be friends." The Air Force guy says "Let me see what else survived this wreck." So he pops open his trunk and finds a full unopened bottle of Jack Daniels. He says to the NAVY and Army guys, "I think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our new found understanding and friendship." The Swabbie says, "You're right!" and he grabs the bottle and starts sucking down Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly a third of the bottle the Squid hands it to the ARMY guy and says, "Your turn!" The ARMY guy sucks down a third and hands the bottle back to the Air Force guy. The Air Force guy puts the cap back on the bottle and says, "I think I'll wait for the cops to show up."

Two mountain bred GIs were wandering the streets of Calcutta when an old woman walked by. "Hey, Billy Joe," one said, "I think that's Mother Teresa." "Your nuts." "I'm telling you." They approached the woman and one asked, "Are you Mother Teresa?" The old lady eyed them scornfully. "Fuck off, you goddamn perverts," she hissed, striding off. "Jeez," Billy Joe said, watching her disappear into the crowd, "now we'll never know."