Quiet In Church

Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers!"

Laws of Parenting

• A child will not spill on a dirty floor.
• A lot of time has been wasted arguing over what came first, the chicken or the egg. It was undoubtedly the rooster.
• A young child is a noise with dirt on it.
• A youth becomes a man when the marks he wants to leave on the world have nothing to do with tires.
• An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
• Celibacy is not hereditary.
• Familiarity breeds children.
• For adult education, nothing beats children.
• God invented mothers because he couldn't be everywhere at once and God invented guilt so mothers could be everywhere at once.
• Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.
• Having children will turn you into your parents.
• If a child looks like his father, that's heredity; if he looks like a neighbor, that's environment.
• If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just sit down and look comfortable.
• Ill-bred children always display their pest manners.
• Insanity is inherited; you get it from your kids.
• It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father.
• It rarely occurs to teenagers that the day will come when they'll know as little as their parents.
• Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
• Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. - (actually from Erma Bombeck)
• One child is often not enough, but two children can be far too many.
• Summer vacation is a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid.
• The best thing to spend on your children is time.
• The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left.
• There are three ways to get things done: do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or forbid your kids to do it.
• You can learn many things from children...like how much patience you have.

I Didn't Even Know!

Three drunks were sitting at a bar. The first one said, "I went in my daughter's room, looked in the drawer and found a pack of cigarettes."  He paused, "I didn't even know she smoked!"
The second drunk said, "I can beat that! I went into my daughters room, looked in the closet and found a case of beer. I didn't even know she drank!" 
The first two looked at the third as he begin to speak.."I can beat that! I went into my daughter's room and looked under her pillow. I found a pack of condoms!!!"  He paused, "I didn't even know she had a penis!!!"