Santa Can't Be A Man

• Men can't pack a bag.
• Men wouldn't be caught dead wearing red velvet.
• Men would feel their masculinity is threatened... having to be seen with all those elves.
• Men don't answer their mail.
• Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in jest, as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
• Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
• Having to do the "Ho, Ho, Ho," thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
• Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

Show your Green

Q: Why was did the Irish refuse to let John Boehner join their St. Patrick’s Day parade?
A: Because he was an Orangeman.

Three Reform Rabbis Go To Heaven

Three Reform Rabbis were in a terrible auto wreck. None survived. One minute they were driving along the highway, talking and laughing and joking, and the next, BOOM! they were before the Creator of all. Shaking his head, The Omnipotent One looks at the three. "Reform I can understand. But where will it end? You! Goldblum! The ashtrays in your temple so My people could smoke while the Torah was being read???" Goldblum shuddered. God went on. "I can live with that. Men are weak, but the Word is strong!" Goldblum sighed with relief.
"Bauman! Really, I can accept My people need to eat, but really: serving Ham Sandwiches to the devout at the temple during Yom Kippur?" Bauman hung his head in shame. "Even that I can allow to pass, even with the eating of that which is not Kosher. I'm not pleased at all with the playing fast and loose with my people, but I can accept these indiscretions." Bauman also heaved a sigh of relief.
Finally, He turns to the third rabbi and says, "You, Rabinowitz, have gone too far! Am I asking too much? No, you flaunt the world at Me, even on the holiest days of Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur by putting out a sign saying... 'Closed for the Holiday'!!!"