Scotland Lard

A man walks into a bar and notices two fat women.
They had obviously been drinking a lot, and were speaking loudly with heavy accents. After an hour he becomes annoyed with the noise, walks over to them and asks, "I'm sorry to interrupt, but are you two ladies from Scotland?"
"Wales, you idiot!", shouts the fattest one.
"I'm sorry," he says. "Are you two whales from Scotland?"

Well Adjusted Lad

There was a young Scottish boy called Angus who decided to try life in Australia. He found an apartment in a small block and settled in. After a week or two, his mother called from Aberdeen to see how her son was doing in his new life. "I'm fine"  Angus said. "But there are some really strange people living in these apartments. One woman cried all day long, another lies on her floor moaning, and there is a guy next door to me who bangs his head on the wall all the time." "Well, ma laddie"  says his mother "I suggest you don't associate with people like that." "Oh"  says Angus "I don't, Mam, I don't. No, I just stay inside my apartment all day and night, playing my bagpipes."

The Kilted Scotsman

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a considerable amount of whiskey at a local pub. As he staggered down the road, he felt quite sleepy and decided to take a nap, with his back against a tree.  As he slept, two young lasses walked down the road and heard the Scotsman snoring loudly. They saw him, and one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt.  "She boldly walked over to the sleeping man, raised his kilt, and saw what nature had provided him at his birth.  Her friend said, "Well, he has solved a great mystery for us, now! He must be rewarded!"  So, she took a blue ribbon from her hair, and gently tied it around what nature had provided the Scotsman, and the two walked away.
Some time later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature, and walked around to the other side of the tree to relieve himself. He raised his kilt...and saw where the blue ribbon was tied.  After several moments of bewilderment, the Scotsman said..."I don't know where y'been lad...but it's nice ta'know y'won first prize!"