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The best jokes and joke writers!

Sheep Shagging

A researcher is conducting a survey into sheep shagging.

First of all he visits a Cornish farmer. "So, Cornish farmer, how do you shag your sheep?" "Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boot and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over a wall." "That's very interesting," replies the researcher and he leaves the Cornish farmer.

Then he meets a Midlands Farmer. "So, Midlands farmer, how do you shag your sheep?" "Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boots and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over a wall." "That's very interesting," replies the researcher. "That's how they do it in Cornwall too." And he leaves the Midlands farmer.

Then he meets a farmer from Abergaveny. "So, Abergaveny farmer, how do you shag your sheep?" "Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boots and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over my shoulders." "Over your shoulders?" replies the researcher. "Don't you put them over a wall like everyone else?" "What?" says the farmer. "And miss out on all the kissing?!"

Scottish Regiment

A Scottish private walks into the pharmacy near his bases, pulls a beat-up, mutilated condom out of his pocket, and asks the pharmacist how much it would cost to repair the condom. The pharmacist replied that including replacing the band and spot welding the holes, it would cost 26 pence, but that for 29 pence, he could sell the private a new one. The private said, "Aye, that is a weighty decision, I shall be back in two hours with an answer." Two hours later, The Scotsman returns and says: "The regiment has voted to replace."

Scottish Bar Robbery

A Scottish man heads for home after spending the whole night in a bar drinking. He was carrying his little Scotch bottle in the left shirt pocket just in case. Suddenly, a robber appears and threatens him with a gun. The Scot gets scared, and the attacker shoots, aiming towards his heart, and then runs away.
The Scot falls down, puts his hand on his left pocket and feels something wet. He cries, ''Oh my God! I hope it's blood!''

Highlander With Four Sheep

Q: What do you call a Highlander with four sheep?

A: A pimp

Wee Jordan

One day wee Jordan was out walking with his lass in the fields of Scotland. While walking through the heather the lass says; "ah wee Jordan I can tell you want to hold my hand!" Wee Jordan says "aye lass that I do, but how can you tell?" "Well" she says "I can tell by the gleam in your eye." Walking along a bit further she says to him "wee Jordan I can tell you want to give me a kiss". "Well, aye lass that I do, but how can you tell?" "Ah wee Jordan, i can tell by the gleam in your eye!" Walking along a bit further she says "Wee Jordan I can tell you want to make love to me." He says, "Aye lass that I do! you can tell by the gleam in my eye!" "No!" she says... "by the tilt in your kilt!"