Drunk Guy and Batman

A drunk guy is walking down the street. He sees this nun, runs up and knocks her over. He says, "You don't feel so tough now, do you, Batman!?"

Two Drunks

I pointed to two old drunks across the bar from us and told my friend Perry , "That'll be us in ten years."
He turned to me and said, "That's a mirror, you dumb shit."

Flush

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom.  A few minutes later, a loud, blood- curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream echo's through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about. The bartender yells, "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!" The drunk responds, "I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls." The bartender opens the door and looks in.  You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!