He's a Drunk Driver

There was an inebriated driver who was pulled up by the police. When the cop opened the door, the driver fell out.  "YOU'RE DRUNK!", exclaimed the police officer.  "Thank God for that!", said the drunk, "I thought the steering had gone."

Redneck Walks Into a Bar

A redneck walks into a bar with a wet, steaming pile of shit in his hands. He looks over at the bartender with pride and says, "Lookie what I almost stepped in!"

Toothpick From the Bar

One night as a bartender is closing up his bar, he hears a knock at the back door. When he opens the door, there stands a bum who asks, "Can I have a toothpick?" The bartender gives him a toothpick and continues cleaning up his bar. Five minutes later, he hears another knock at the door. Again, there stands another bum who asks, "Can I have a toothpick?" The bartender gives him a toothpick and continues cleaning up the bar. Five minutes later, he hears another knock at the back door. This time, there's a bum asking for a straw. The owner gives him a straw, but finally asks what's going on out there. The bum replies, "Some lady threw up in the back, but all the good stuff is gone."