A Brazilian Parrot

A middle-aged man receives a Brazilian parrot for his birthday. The only problem with this parrot is its attitude due to the influence of its former owner, who is a deceased truck driver. The parrot loves to swear up and down at everything it sees. One day the man comes home with a gorgeous woman for a candle lit dinner. The first thing the parrot says is, "Hey bitch how much for a handjob." She takes one look at our middle-aged friend, and runs out the door. The next night, our friend is visited by his mother. The parrot opens up with,"I'll suck that crusty coin-slot crack of yours for a senior citizen discount, if you lose that over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder, and wiggle those droopy dum dums for me. Our friend receives a smack that leaves a fire-engine-red print, followed by a future threat from his father. Well Our frustrated friend can stand no more. He grabs the little motherfucker and throws it into the freezer. After about 15 minutes of swearing and kicking from the bad bird, all is quiet. Another 5 min of silence passes by. Our friend gets curious and opens the fridge. The bird calmly perches on his finger. "Have you learned your lesson?" he sternly said. All the parrot can say is, "I sure have. I just have one question. What the fuck happened to the chicken?"

Lost Echo

A vampire bat flies back into his cave on Halloween night...he has blood all over his face. He perches himself on the roof to try and get some rest. But before too long the other bats smell the blood, and start to gather around him. They ask feverishly where he got the blood from. Knowing that they will not let up till he tells them "Okay, follow me!". He flies out of the cave, across a valley, over a river into a dark forest. Deep in the forest he stops, all the other bats gather round in an excited frenzy. "Okay", says the bat, "see that big oak tree over there?". "Yeah, yeah" reply the other bats, drooling in anticipation. : "Well I sure has hell didn't!" said the bat.

Sick Bird

Q: What do you give a sick bird?
A: Tweetment!