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The best jokes and joke writers!

Border Crash

Q: A plane crashes on the US and Canada border. Where do they bury the survivors ?

A: They don't bury the SURVIVORS !!

The Traveling Exhibitionist

There was an exhibitionist who was taking a trip on an airplane. At the check-in counter there was a ticket agent collecting tickets. When the man got to the counter, he opened his coat and exposed himself. The ticket agent said,  "I'm sorry sir. You have to show your ticket here, not your stub."

Top Things You Don't Want to Overhear Over an Airline P.A. System

  1. Ocean crossing flight: This is your Captain speaking, I just wanted to take this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as floatation devices.
  2. Hey folks, we're going to play a little game of geography trivia. If you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive an extra pack of peanuts.
  3. Our loss of altitude allows a unique close up perspective of the local terrain. I assure you that it's all part of our airline's new commitment to make your a flight a sight seeing extravaganza.
  4. Goose! Bogey at 2 o'clock, one on our tail! Eject! Eject!
  5. Ummmmmm....Sorry...(silence)
  6. (As the plane turns around right after takeoff)...we have to go back ....we ..we ....uhhhhhh ....forgot something.
  7. I'm sure everyone noticed the loss of an engine, however the reduction in weight and drag will mean we'll be flying much more efficiently.
  8. Fasten your seat belt!!!
  9. This is your Captain speaking....these stupid planes are a lot different than the ships I'm used to.. so you'll have to give me some leeway.
  10. It would be a good idea if right now everyone closed their shades and watched the in-flight movie.
  11. We've now reached our cruising altitude of 20,000 feet and ...Oh no!
  12. Don't worry! That one is always on E...
  13. Get the parachutes ready...
  14. Drinks are on me..
  15. I'll have what the Captain's having...
  16. Hey capt'n take another hit man...

Pilot On Drugs

10. All the in-flight meals are missing their dessert squares.
9. In between "May I" and "have your attention" there's a 45 minute pause.
8. He's constantly yelling, "Take that, Red Baron!"
7. Shuttle from New York to Boston includes stop-over in Colombia
6. His co-pilot: Robert Downey Jr.
5. For the last hour, he's been riding the beverage cart like a rodeo cowboy.
4. Keeps coming on the P.A. to point out clouds that look like his old high school teachers.
3. His wings are pinned to his bare chest.
2. When you fly over international date line, he yells, "Dude! We're, like, time traveling!"
1. When he exhales, the oxygen masks drop.

Murphy's Travel Laws

Murphy Laws For Frequent Flyers...

  • No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight. If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate within the terminal. If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed.
  • Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.
  • If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon as you touch pen to paper.
  • If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just look for the two largest passengers.
  • Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the lavatory.
  • The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you.
  • The best-looking woman on your flight is never seated next to you.
  • The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard.