Fear of Flying
Two caterpillars are watching a cocoon that is starting to twist and shake. It bursts open to reveal a beautiful butterfly that stretches its wings and flies away. One caterpillar turns to the other and says, “You’ll never get me up in one of those things.”
Airlines Running on Operating Systems
Here are some basic descriptions of what may happen if airplanes had different operating systems running them.
- DOS: Everybody pushes it till it glides, then jumps on and lets it coast till it skids, then jumps off, pushes, jumps back on, etc.
- DOS with QEMM: Same as DOS, but with more leg room for pushing.
- Macintosh: All the flight attendants, captains and baggage handlers look the same, act the same and talk the same. Every time you ask a question, you are told you don't need to know, don't want to know and everything will be done for you without your knowing, so just shut up.
- OS/2: To get on board, you have to have your ticket stamped 10 different times by standing in 10 different lines. Then you fill out a form asking how you want your seating arranged -- with the look and feel of an ocean liner, a passenger train or a bus. If you get on board and off the ground, you will have a wonderful trip, except when the rudder and flaps freeze, in which case you have time to say your prayers before you crash.
- Windows: Colorful airport terminal, friendly flight attendants, easy access to a plane, and an uneventful takeoff. Then, all in a sudden, boom! You blow up without any warning whatsoever.
- NT: The terminal and flight attendants all look like those the Windows plane uses, but the process of checking in and going through security is a nightmare. Once aboard, those passengers with first class tickets can go anywhere they want and arrive in half the time, while the vast majority of passengers with coach tickets can't even get aboard.
- Unix: Everyone brings one piece of the plane. Then they go on the runway and piece it together, all the while arguing about what kind of plane they're building.
- CAIRO: The airplane is distributed among 47 different hangars in 13 airports scattered over 8 states, 4 Canadian provinces, and a remote mountain hideaway in Nicaragua. But you don't need to know where the airplane is or who it belongs to in order to fly it. Actually, you don't fly the airplane itself; you fly a simulation that behaves just like the real thing except that you don't go anywhere. But that's okay, because when the world is at your fingertips you never need to leave home.
Q: A plane crashes on the US and Canada border. Where do they bury the survivors ?
A: They don't bury the SURVIVORS !!
The Traveling Exhibitionist
There was an exhibitionist who was taking a trip on an airplane. At the check-in counter there was a ticket agent collecting tickets. When the man got to the counter, he opened his coat and exposed himself. The ticket agent said, "I'm sorry sir. You have to show your ticket here, not your stub."
Top Things You Don't Want to Overhear Over an Airline P.A. System
- Ocean crossing flight: This is your Captain speaking, I just wanted to take this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as floatation devices.
- Hey folks, we're going to play a little game of geography trivia. If you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive an extra pack of peanuts.
- Our loss of altitude allows a unique close up perspective of the local terrain. I assure you that it's all part of our airline's new commitment to make your a flight a sight seeing extravaganza.
- Goose! Bogey at 2 o'clock, one on our tail! Eject! Eject!
- (As the plane turns around right after takeoff)...we have to go back ....we ..we ....uhhhhhh ....forgot something.
- I'm sure everyone noticed the loss of an engine, however the reduction in weight and drag will mean we'll be flying much more efficiently.
- Fasten your seat belt!!!
- This is your Captain speaking....these stupid planes are a lot different than the ships I'm used to.. so you'll have to give me some leeway.
- It would be a good idea if right now everyone closed their shades and watched the in-flight movie.
- We've now reached our cruising altitude of 20,000 feet and ...Oh no!
- Don't worry! That one is always on E...
- Get the parachutes ready...
- Drinks are on me..
- I'll have what the Captain's having...
- Hey capt'n take another hit man...