Public Stock

A stockbroker catches his wife in bed with another man. He says to her, "What's going on?" She says, "Believe it or not, John, I've gone public!"

Happy Monday

Q: What do you call a person who's happy on Monday?
A: Retired.

Bad Waiter

A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat.
"Are you crazy" yelled the customer, "sticking your thumb in my steak?!"
"What," answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?"