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The best jokes and joke writers!

Answering Machine - Mission Impossible

Annoying flute music in background: Good day, Jim. Your contact, Linda, is not available right now. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to leave your name, number, and a brief message at the tone. This tape will self-destruct in thirty seconds. Good Luck, Jim. 

Answering Machine - Pizza

Hello... Yes, I'd like to order two medium pepperoni pizzas please, with extra cheese... Oh, did I get the wrong number? Sorry about that. (Click.)

Answering Machine - Alien Abduction

Hi, you've reached 474-2340. Don, Kendy and Sylvia can't come to the phone right now because they've been kidnapped by aliens and replaced by android duplicates. You could leave your name and number at the tone, but I wouldn't -- you might be next! (evil laugh) 

Answering Machine - Satanic Hotline

Thank you for calling the Satanic Hotline. All of our operators are busy at the moment. If you would like, leave a brief message after the tone, and someone will get back to you... When hell freezes over. 

Answering Machine - French Monologue

French monologue in the background: Around the world today, millions still speak French as either a first or second language. But with your continued support and help, we can wipe out French in our lifetime. Please leave a message in English at the tone, and remember, if someone tries to speak French to you, just say, "non".