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The best jokes and joke writers!

Only In America

  • A pizza can get to your house faster than an ambulance.
  • There are handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
  • Sick people must walk to the back of the drugstore to get their prescriptions, while healthy people can buy cigarettes in the front.
  • Banks leave both vault doors open, but pens are chained to the counters.
  • Expensive cars sit in the driveways and useless junk fills garages.
  • People use voice mail to screen calls and call waiting to catch every call they might miss.
  • Drive-Up ATM machines feature Braille lettering.

Canadian Light Bulb

Q: How many Canadians does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None, they get an American to do it since they are so damned proud they know how to do it.

Strange United States Laws

From the book "Loony Laws" by Robert Pelton.

Ottumwa, Iowa: "It is unlawful for any male person, within the corporate limits of the (city), to wink at any female person with whom he is unaquainted."

Los Angeles: you cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at the same time.

Zion, Ill.: it is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, and other domesticated animals kept as pets.

Carmel, N.Y., a man can't go outside while wearing a jacket and pants that do not match.

Clawson, Mich., there is a law that makes it LEGAL for a farmer to sleep with his pigs, cows, horses, goats, and chickens.

Gary, Ind., persons are prohibited from attending a movie house or other theater and from riding a public streetcar within four hours of eating garlic.

Miami, it's illegal for men to be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.

St. Louis, MO: it's illegal to sit on the curb of any city street and drink beer from a bucket.

Detroit, MI: couples are banned from making love in an automobile unless the act takes place while the vehicle is parked on the couple's own property.

Hartford, Conn., you aren't allowed to cross a street while walking on your hands.

Michigan: a woman isn't allowed to cut her own hair without her husband's permission.

Baltimore, MD: it's illegal to throw bales of hay from a second-story window within the city limits. It's also illegal to take a lion to the movies.

Oxford, Ohio: it's illegal for a woman to strip off her clothing while standing in front of a man's picture. 

Nicholas County, W. Va., no member of the clergy is allowed to tell jokes or humorous stories from the pulpit during a church service. 

California: animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.

Pennsylvania: "any motorist driving along a country road at night must stop every mile and send up a rocket signal, wait 10 minutes for the road to be cleared of livestock, and continue."

Carrizozo, N.M., it's forbidden for a female to appear unshaven in public (includes legs and face).

Los Angeles: a man is legally entitled to beat his wife with a leather belt or strap, but the belt can't be wider than 2 inches, unless he has his wife's consent to beat her with a wider strap.

Kentucky: "No female shall appear in a bathing suit on any highway within this state unless she be escorted by at least two officers or unless she be armed with a club"

An amendment to the above legislation: "The provisions of this statute shall not apply to females weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it apply to female horses."

Rules of The South

All good Southerners already know these, but in fairness to those Yankees who were dumb enough to stay down here:

  1. Don't order a steak at a Waffle House. They serve breakfast 24 hrs a day, so let them cook something they know.
  2. Don't laugh at people's names. Merleen, Bodie, Luther Ray, Tammy Ann, Mari Beth, and Inez have all been known to whip a man's ass for less than that.
  3. Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda -- this can lead to a merciless beating. Down South it's called Coke, even if you want a Pepsi.
  4. Don't show allegiances to any college football squad that isn't an SEC team. All the others are a bunch of candy asses who get to play Wyoming every week.
  5. Don't refer to Southerner's as a bunch of hillbillies. Many of us are/have been more literate than you (e.g. Welty, Williams, Faulkner), better educated, and generally much nicer to boot. We've got plenty of business sense (e.g.Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, and Netscape). Naturally, we can have lapses of judgment from time to time (e.g. Clinton, Fordice, Duke). We don't care if you think we're dumb, we know better!
  6. We are fully aware that the humidity is high. Quit your bitching, spend your money, and leave.
  7. Don't order wheat toast at the Cracker Barrel. If you do this, everyone will know you're from Ohio. Eat the biscuits like God intended and for goodness sake, don't put sugar in your grits.
  8. Don't attempt to fake a Southern accent. Nothing will incite a riot faster.
  9. Don't go around talking about how much better it is back home. If you don't like it here, take your Yankee ass back home.
  10. We don't play lacrosse, hockey or any of those other sissy ass Northern games, so don't ask about the scores. We...simply...don't...care.
  11. We know how to speak proper English, we talk this way because we want to and we can. It's like playing jazz, you have to know how to do it right first.
  12. Last, but by no means least...DO NOT try to tell us how to Bar-B-Q. This could lead to permanent expulsion and revocation of your work visa. Consider yourself just damn lucky that we let you come down here in the first place. Don't push your luck!