Ring Shots

Q: How many shots can an Irish man handle?
A: About 10 rounds.

Black Belt Degrees

Requirements for 11th Degree Black Belt Master of Judo
Well before testing for this rank any experienced Judo teacher should have already learned these basic techniques:

1. Escape from Dojo: The quick exit to avoid clean up and helping with the mats.
2. Sleeper Stance: Standing at the corner of the dojo pretending to be observing the students as they sweat with exhaustion.
3. Sigh of Wisdom: Sudden, forceful exhalation when a beginning student unexpectedly survives a dangerous body slam without injury.
4. Crossing Fingers: A hopeful posture used when uke has been choked unconscious.
5. Gift of Instruction: The act of taking credit whenever a student wins a tournament or performs a technique correctly.
6. Seeing Without Seeing: The dazed look of amazement given to the student who asks a stupid question.
7. Kuchi Waza (mouth technique): Using an hour of class time to answer the stupid question while students sit on their knees in seiza.
8. Mugger's Defense: Offering to lighten the student's wallet to reduce the risk of confrontation.
9. Sensei's Downfall: Failing to ask for enough money to keep the dojo open.

Further requirements:

• Must be able to walk on water (while it is in liquid form).
• Must be able to disable a man using only a Kleenex tissue as a weapon.
• Must be able to make up meaningless Zen koans on the spot.
• Must be able to catch a fly with chopsticks.
• Must be able to defeat multiple masked ninja movie warriors after they disclose their evil plans to you and leave you to die in an easily escapable situation.
• Must be able to voice over a Godzilla movie properly (i.e. coordination between the movement of the lips and the voice).
• Must be able to take a bullet (not in the chest of course but maybe in the foot or something).
• Must be able to make your own nuclear device with a piece of bubble gum, a pencil, some coconuts, and an alarm clock.
• Must be able to change into a judogi in a phone booth at any given moment.
• Must be able to sing Karaoke.
• Must be able to use nature to your advantage (e.g. sick a dog on the enemy, throw stones at him, climb a tree and hide...)
• Must be able to fight blindfolded and win (against blind competitors of course).
• Must have completed a course in "Basic Samurai Sushi".
• Must be able to choreograph street fights for Jackie Chan movies.
• Must be able to use an opponent's skill as a reason for defeat.
• Must be able to keep all bleeding internal.
• Must be able to trim an entire forest into a bonsai garden in 25 minutes or less.

Note: Laughing at any time will disqualify the potential 11th dan. If a member of the Senior Board of Examiners makes a comment and then waits expectantly, it may be an indication that he has just made a joke. A half-smile may be tried at this time, but in no other instance.

Things to Do at a Bowling Alley

Things to do at a Bowling Alley

• Everytime you throw exclaim "TAKE THAT, YOU!!!" continue this behavior until forcefully thrown out.
• When ever a strike "X" appears on the screen, start yelling about how this is a Black Panther conspiracy.
• Explain to the Owner how your game has been ruined due to Platetechtonics then loose him in lingo.
• Demand Compensation.
• Bring Zippo fluid, light the pins on fire.
• Wear Golf Shoes.
• Pray to the pins, leave sacrifices.
• Dress up like an amish man. Give speaches to others against the high technology used in bowling.
• Play bocci with extra lane balls Try to juggle the balls, when you drop them, start screaming about Platetechtonics again Every ten minutes run the entire length of the building beating your own head and speaking in tounges, then sit down as if nothing happened.
• Bring full angling gear, ask how they're biting.....fish.
• Completely cover your ball in duct tape (sticky side out) then loudly complain about how your hook is off.
• Hide behind the pins. Stick your head up, LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY.
• Use a Curling Weight instead, bring a full team of sweepers.
• Throw refuse down the ball return, tell the owner the trash compactor is busted.
• Make your presence known by arranging pentagrams out of candles on every lane except yours.
• Root for the other team- Bring Banners. Make fun of your team- Bring Lettuce.
• Tell the rival team captain that you just met his "little girl" walk away mumbling "how bad things happen"
• Bring a foghorn, use at crucial moments
• Even if you miss totally--At the top of your lungs scream STEEEEEEEEERIKE
• Bring a small gold idol, demand the other team pray to it.
• Rent all the lanes, don't bowl
• Rent all the shoes, eat them
• Blatenly Underscore yourself, then accuse the other team of cheating
• When an opponent is on his back swing, race up and take his ball, run home.
• If your team is in the finals, throw nothing but gutter balls, blame platetechtonics
• Trip EVERY member of the opposing team, trip your team, trip everyone
• Wear a baseball uniform, bowl sidearm.
• Super Glue Police Whistles to the hand-dryers...leave town
• Walk around asking people why they are here, do this the whole night
• Ask to use the house mic. Say you want to make an announcement, expound on the sins of bowling
• Name your ball something like "KILLER", Openly boast to everyone how great you are, bowl terribly. Do this all night
• Sit in your lane and heckle others with a Bull Horn.
• Bring a dart gun...Be inventive.
• Wrestle with your ball. (WWF Style) Ask someone to ref.
• Run around sprinkling "MAGIC FAIRY DUST" on everyone's balls. Tar works nice.
• Sponsor a Really Big Open Bowl Night, Don't even have an Entrance fee. Advertise it using Every Mass Media known to man, make the 3rd Prize: $10,000 and a Porsche 2nd Prize: $5,000 and a trip to Europe 1st Prize: A coffee mug Then sit back a watch the fights..... leave or Cancel the whole thing. Hand out Pamphlets on Patetechtonics.