Fortune

A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and dropped in a coin. "Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover." "Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too!"

Marriage Quotes

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there's a reason. Molly
Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day.
In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice that still continues.
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

The Marriage Proposal

An elderly pair (he a widower, she a widow) meet in a retirement village. They seem to hit it off; they share each other's values, enjoy the same jokes, and find pleasure in each other's company. After a few months, the widower asks for the hand of the widow in marriage. She appears hesitant and decided to probe her soon-to-be a little."Perhaps I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth, but... How's your health?" "It's OK", he answers. "I'm not getting any younger, but I don't have any major health problems. I can still enjoy life." "Well, then," she replies "I don't want to be a snoop, but I've got to protect myself: how are you fixed financially?" "So-so. I'm not rich, but I'm comfortable. You don't have to worry about me sponging off you; I can support myself." The little old lady blushes, and finally asks her swain - "And how's your sex life...." "Infrequently," he declares. The widow ponders this for a moment or so, before asking... "And is that one word or two?