Sneak Home

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway, shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, 'You as horny as I am?' ...and, she always acts like she's sound asleep!"

Good Ring Bearer

At a friend's wedding, everything went smoothly until it was time for the flower girl and her young escort to come down the aisle. The boy stopped at every pew, growling at the guests.
Asked afterward why he behaved so badly, he explained, "I was just trying to be a good ring bear."

Equality

Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
A: Sexual harassment.
Q: What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
A: $3.99 a minute.