He Will Just Have To Use The Ashtray

Stacey makes a new friend at school and invites her home for the first time. Stacey excuses herself to fetch her Mom and introduce her new friend. As her friend is standing in the living room next to the fireplace, she picks up the attractive vase on the mantle. When Stacey returns with her mother, her friend is staring curiously into the vase. "Oh, those are my father's ashes," Stacey informs her new friend. This startles her so that she drops the vase,  ashes and broken vase scattering all around. After turning three shades of red she stammers out,  "Oh, no... I'm, oh!... I, can't... didn't mean to.." "It's OK dear," the mother says. "The vase was just  from Wal-Mart." The new friend catches her breath enough to say, "But... but your husband's ashes..." "Well," the mother says, "looks like he'll just have to get off his lazy butt and get the ashtray from the kitchen from now on!"

Love Dress

My mother-in-law stopped by today.  She knocked on the door but before I could get up she walked in. She was shocked to see me laying on the couch totally naked. "What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm waiting for Dave to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered. "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed. "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.  "Dave loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy."
On the way home, the mother-in-law thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch. Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch. "What are you doing?" he asked. "This is my love dress," she replied. "Needs ironing," he says" "What's for dinner?"

Jumping

A soldier comes home on leave and tells his wife about his parachute training. “It was terrible,” he says. “I was in the plane and ready to jump, when I froze. I couldn’t move. The Seargent came up behind me, got out this enormous dick of his and said he’d stick it up my ass if I didn’t jump.” “Oh my God,” says his wife. “So did you jump?” “Well, yes,” says the soldier. “A little bit – at first.”