Redneck Jokes

Information for Northerners Visiting the Southern States.  If you are from the northern states and planning on visiting or moving to the south, there are a few things you should know that will help you adapt to the difference in life styles:

1. If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel-drive pickup truck with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
2. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Do not buy food at this store.
3. Remember: "Y'all" is singular, "All y'all" is plural, and "All y'alls'" is plural possessive.
4. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
5. You may hear a Southerner say "Oughta!" to a dog or child. This is short for "Y'all oughta not do that!" and is the equivalent of saying "No!"
6. Don't be worried about not understanding what people are saying; they can't understand you, either.
7. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big ol'," as in "big ol' truck " or "big ol' boy." Most Northerners begin their new Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.
8. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
9. Be advised that, "He needed killin'" is a valid defense here.
10. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.
11. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.
12. When you come upon a person driving 15 mph down the middle of the road, remember that most folks here learn to drive on a John Deere and that this is the proper speed and position for that vehicle.

• Backup - What you do when you sight a skunk in the woods.
• Bar code - Them's the fight'n rules down da local tavern.
• Bug - The reason you is a giv'n for calling in sick.
• Byte - What yer pit bull dun to cusin Jethro.
• Cache - Needed when you go to da store.
• Chip - Yer cusin's uncle's mother's boyfriend's name.
• Terminal - Time to call da undertaker.
• Crash - When you go to Junior's party uninvited.
• Digital - The art of counting on your fingers.
• Diskette - A female Disco dancer.
• Hacker - Uncle Leroy after thirty years of smoking.
• Hardcopy - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.
• Internet - Where cafeteria workers put their hair.
• Keyboard - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.
• Mac - Big Bob's favorite fast food.
• Megahertz - How your head feels after seventeen beers.
• Modem - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall.
• Mouse pad - Where Mickey and Minnie live.
• Network - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line.
• Online - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test.
• Rom - Where the pope lives.
• Screen - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch.
• Serial port - A red wine you drink with breakfast.
• Superconductor - Amtrak's Employee of the year.
• Scsi - What you call your week-old underwear.

Q: What do you call foreplay in Alabama?

A: Hey sis, you awake?

You might be a redneck if... Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the wheels off of it.

You might be a redneck if your dog goes "oink!"