Defining the Americans

We yell for the Government to balance the budget, then take the last dime we have to make the down payment on a car. We whip the enemy in battle, then give them the shirt off our backs. We yell for speed laws that will stop fast driving, then won't buy a car if it can't go over 100 miles an hour. Americans get scared to death if we vote a billion dollars for education, then are unconcerned when we find out we are spending three billion dollars a year for cigarettes. We know the line-up of every baseball team in the American and National Leagues but don't know half the words in the "Star Spangled Banner". We'll spend half a day looking for vitamin pills to make us live longer, then drive 90 miles an hour on slick pavement to make up for lost time. We tie up our dog while letting our sixteen year old son run wild. We will work hard on a farm so we can move into town where we can make more money so we can move back to the farm. In the office we talk about baseball, shopping or fishing, but when we are out at the game, the mall or on the lake, we talk about business. We are the only people in the world who will pay $.50 to park our car while eating a $.25 sandwhich. We're the country that has more food to eat than any other country in the world and more diets to keep us from eating it. We run from morning to night trying to keep our earning power up with our yearning power. We're supposed to be the most civilized Christian nation on earth, but we still can't deliver payrolls without an armored car. We have more experts on marriage than any other country in the world and still have more divorces.

My Men Are Very Brave

General McKenzie was in charge of the Navy, and he was visiting his colleague General Marshall, who was in charge of the Army. McKenzie arrives at the military camp and is greeted by Marshall. They both walk around the place, and McKenzie asks, "So how are your men?"
"Very well trained, Grnl. McKenzie."
"I hope so. You see, my men over at the Navy are so well trained, you could see they're the bravest men all over the country."
"Well, my men are very brave, too."
"I'd like to see that." So Marshall calls Private Johnson and says, "Private Johnson! I want you to stop that tank coming here with your body!"
"Are you crazy? It'd kill me, you idiot! I'm out of here!" As Private Johnson ran away, Marshall turned to a bewildered McKenzie and said, "You see? You have to be pretty brave to talk like that to a general."

Reliable Source

A psychiatrist met a friend and exclaimed, "I heard you died." "But you see I'm alive," smiled the friend. "Impossible," said the psychiatrist. "The man who told me is much more reliable than you."