Three Old Guys

Three men were discussing aging on the steps of the nursing home. "Sixty is the worst age to be," announced the 60 year old. "You always feel like you have to pee.  And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!" "Ah, that's nothing," said the 70 year old. "When you're 70, you can't take a crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran - you sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out !" "Actually," said the eighty year old, "Eighty is the worst age of all." "Do you have trouble peeing too?", asked the sixty year old. "No ... not really. I pee every morning at 6AM. I pee like a race horse - no problem at all." "Do you have trouble taking a crap?", asked the 70 year old. "No, not really.  I have a great bowel movement every morning at 6:30." With great exasperation, the 60 year old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at six o'clock and take a crap every morning at six thirty. What's so tough about being eighty?" To which the eighty year old replied  "I don't wake up until ten!"

Having a baby at 80

An 80 - year - old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. "I've never been better!" he replies. "I've got an 18-year-old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?" The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun.  So he's in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appears in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the bear, and squeezes the handle. The bear drops dead in front of him, suffering from a bullet wound in his its chest." "That's impossible! Someone else must have shot that bear," the man said. "Exactly," replies the Doc.

How fast was I going?

"When I saw you driving down the road, I guessed 55 at least." "You're wrong, officer, it's only my hat that makes me look that old."