What Not To Say In The Workplace
- I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
- I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.
- I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
- I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
- It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level, I'm really quite busy.
- I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
- I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
A Tough Dilemma
Responding to the new mandatory $15 minimum wage, a Seattle business owner called in his 4 employees for a meeting. Boys, I'm really sorry, but I'm going to have to let one of you go."
Black Employee: "I'm a protected minority."
Female Employee: "And I'm a woman."
Oldest Employee: "Fire me, buster, and I'll hit you with an age discrimination suit so fast it'll make your head spin."
...To which they all turn to look at the helpless young, white, male employee, who thinks a moment, then responds: "I think I might be gay..."
Laying Off Employees
Mr. Smith owned a small business. He had two employees, Sarah and Jack. They were both extremely good employees - always willing to work overtime and chip in where needed.
Mr. Smith was looking over his books one day and decided that he wasn't making enough money to warrant two employees and he would have to lay one off. But both Sarah and Jack were such good workers he was having trouble finding a fair way to do it.
He decided that he would watch them work and the first one to take a break would be the one he would lay off. So, he sat in his office and watched them work.
Suddenly, Sarah gets a terrible headache and needs to take an aspirin. She gets the aspirin out of her purse and goes to the water cooler to get something to wash it down with.
Mr. Smith follows her to the water cooler, taps her on the shoulder and says, "Sarah, I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off." And Sarah says, "Can you just jack off? I have a headache!"
A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening. The woman of the house decided to give their butler, Jeeves, the rest of the night off. She said they would be home very late, and that he should just enjoy his evening.
As it turned out, however, the wife wasn't having a good time at the party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband had to stay there, as several of his important clients were there.
As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jeeves sitting by himself in the dining room. She called for him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom. She looked at him and smiled. "Jeeves," she said. "Take off my dress."
He did this carefully. "Jeeves," she continued. "Take off my stockings and garter."
He silently obeyed her. "Jeeves," she then said. "Remove my bra and panties. "
As he did this, the tension continued to mount. She then said, "Jeeves, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"
Reason For Firing
Two neighbors were talking about work, when one asked, "Say, why did the foreman fire you?" Replied the second, "Well, you know how a foreman is always standing around and watching others do the work. My foreman got jealous. People started thinking I was the foreman."