Business One Liners - There is No

• There is no job so simple that it cannot be done wrnog.
• There is no job so simple that it cannot be done wrrong.
• There is no limit to how bad things can get.
• There is no limit to the amount of good that people can accomplish, if they don't care who gets the credit.
• There is no problem a good miracle can't solve.
• There is no problem so large that it cannot be solved by the application of a correctly chosen thermonuclear device.
• There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else.
• There is no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
• There is no such thing as a "dirty capitalist", only a capitalist.
• There is no such thing as instant experience.
• There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing. 

April Fools Joke

Send a department-wide e-mail telling people that a once-in-a-century alignment of Pluto and Venus will cause gravity on earth to be 20% less for about five minutes starting at 9:47 AM. Suggest that people test the phenomenon by jumping straight up and down at that time.

Christmas Party Joke

3 guys find out that they have 3 weeks to live. They realize that they have nothing to show for in their lives, so they each decide to try getting into the Guinness Book of World Records. The first guys says, "I have pretty long arms, maybe I have the longest arms in the world!" The second guy says, "I have a big chest, maybe I have the biggest chest in the world!" The third guys says, "I have a small dick, maybe I have the smallest dick in the world!" So they each submit their applications to the Guinness Book of World Records headquarters. A week later, the book is published, and they all gather around to see the results. The first guy opens the book and says, "Hey look! I have the longest arms in the world!" The second guy looks and says "Wow! I can't believe I have the biggest chest in the world!" And the third guys looks and says, "...Who the fuck is [insert name of one of the listeners]?!"