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The best jokes and joke writers!

Adjustments

There was a young man in the Air Force who was so well-endowed that it was bothering his knee. Three Air Force doctors and one Air Force nurse were in the operating room to remedy the situation. The first doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk off the end." They discussed it and decided that would affect his sensitivity. The second doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk out of the middle of it." They discussed this, and decided it would change the texture and feel of it. The third doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk off the base of it." They discussed this, too, and agreed that it might give him erection problems. The doctors heard a sniffling, and looked over at the nurse who had tears running down her cheeks. The nurse cried, "Can't we just make his legs longer?"

 

Give Us New Missiles

The 1982 Israeli invasion of Lebanon resulted in many dog fights between Syrian and Israeli jet fighters. In the end, the Syrians lost over 80 planes and had a number of SAM batteries knocked out, while the Israelis lost no planes. Sometime later, the Syrian Defense Minister was shopping for weapons in Moscow. His host, the Soviet Defense Minister, was embarrassed about the scorecard from Lebanon. He told his Syrian guest, "Take anything you want - our best tanks, rifles, or surface-to-air missiles." "No, no - you don't understand!" the Syrian replied. "Last time you gave us surface-to-air missiles. This time we need surface-to-jet missiles!"

US Air Force Humor!

"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some squawks submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. (P)=PROBLEM (S)=SOLUTION

(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement (S) Almost replaced left inside main tire

(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough (S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft

(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid (S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage

(P) Something loose in cockpit (S) Something tightened in cockpit

(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear (S) Evidence removed

(P) DME volume unbelievably loud (S) Volume set to more believable level

(P) Dead bugs on windshield (S) Live bugs on order

(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent (S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground

(P) IFF inoperative (S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode

(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick (S) That's what they're there for

(P) Number three engine missing (S) Engine found on right wing after brief search

(P) Aircraft handles funny (S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious!

(P) Target Radar hums (S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics

Wooden Airfield

An enemy decoy, built in occupied Holland, led to a tale that has been told and retold ever since by veteran Allied pilots. The German "airfield," constructed with meticulous care, was made almost entirely of wood. There were wooden hangars, oil tanks, gun emplacements, trucks, and aircraft. The Germans took so long in building their wooden decoy that Allied photo experts had more than enough time to observe and report it. The day finally came when the decoy was finished, down to the last wooden plank. Early the following morning, a lone RAF plane crossed the Channel, came in low, circled the field once, and dropped a large wooden bomb.

Commanding the Dumb

As we stood in formation at the Pensacola Naval Air Station, our Flight Instructor said, "All right! All you dummies fall out." As the rest of the squad wandered away, I remained at attention.

The instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with me, and then just raised a single eyebrow. I smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh sir?"