Good Advice

• OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.

• FOOL other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.

• LOSE weight quickly by eating raw pork or rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.

• AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

• NO TIME for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.

• SAVE ON BOOZE by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

• RECREATE the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

Beware of Dog!

Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying "DANGER; BEWARE OF DOG!" posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register. He asked the store manager, "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?" "Yep, that's him," he replied. The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?" "Because", the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."

Product Failure

Baby wipes are useless. I've used a full packet on my girlfriend and she's still pregnant.