Drunk Vs Alcoholic?

Q: What's the difference between a drunk and an alcoholic?
A: A drunk doesn't have to go to those stupid meetings.

The Blonde Flu

A blonde walks into a doctor's office and says, "Doc, I'm horribly sick!" The doctor looks at her and asks, "Flu?" "No, I drove here."

Abdominal Pain Treatment

A guy suffers from extreme abdominal pain and sees a doctor. The doctor says that medicated rectal inserts should rectify the problem. After performing the initial insertion, the doctor explains that the second should be inserted before bed. That night, the man asks his wife to help him. His wife puts a hand on his shoulder to steady him and inserts the medicine. He lets out a wail. "Did I hurt you?" she asks. "No -- I just realized that the doctor had BOTH hands on my shoulders!"