Yard Work Sign Language

A couple is doing yard work and the wife goes to take a shower. Her husband is looking for a rake and can't find it. He yells up to his wife, 'Where's the rake?'  She replies by nodding her arms like she can't hear.  So he points to his eye (I), hits his knee (need), then makes raking motions.  She replies by pointing to her eye, grabbing her left breast, slapping her ass, then rubbing her crotch. He runs upstairs and says, 'What?!'  She says, 'I left tit behind the bush.'

Consideration

A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar.
I decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well...until I decided to tell a few more offensive ones...and picked the worst possible one to start with.
Here's the joke I told:
"What do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath?
Throw your washing (laundry if you're American) in."
One of the new friends instantly became enraged and swung for me. When I asked him what the hell his problem was he replied that his younger brother was epileptic and died in the bath many years ago.
Obviously I felt mortified as I didn't know about it, and said "I'm so sorry to hear that. Did he drown?"
"No," replied the guy. "He choked on a sock."

Only A Head

Nine months to the day following their wedding, the Coopers had a baby. Unfortunately, it was born without arms or legs, without even a torso. It was just a head. Still, the Coopers loved and cared for their child, spoiling and indulging it. Finally after twenty years, they took a much-needed vacation and whom should they meet on the cruise ship but a European doctor who had recently achieved a medical breakthrough. "I know," he said, "how to attach arms and legs to your child, how to make him whole." The Coopers cut their trip short, rushed home and into the room where the head lay in its crib, and said,
"Honey... Mom and Dad have the most wonderful surprise for you!"
''Noooooo!," shrieked the head, "Not another hat!"