A woman walks into a tattoo parlour and asks, "Do you do custom work?"
"Why of course!"
"Good. I'd like a portrait of Robert Redford on the inside of my right thigh, and a portrait of Paul Newman on the inside of my left thigh."
"No problem," says the artist. "Strip from the waist down and get up on the table." After two hours of hard work, the artist finishes.
The woman sits up and examines the tattoos. "That doesn't look like them!" she complains loudly.
"Oh yes it does," the artist says indignantly, "and I can prove it." With that, he runs out of the shop and grabs the first man off the street he can find; it happens to be the town drunk.
"Well, what do you think?" the woman asks, spreading her legs. "Do you know who these men are?"
The drunk studies the tattoos for a couple of minutes and says. "I'm not sure who the guys on either side are, but the fellow in the middle is definately Willie Nelson!"
Dennis Rodman Kicked Out
Q: Why did Dennis Rodman get kicked out of the game?
A: Because his purse didn't match his shoes.
How to Pick Up Women
There were two guys who wanted to pick up women on a beach. One was Italian (Luca) and the other was Russian (Vladimir). Luca had no problem picking up gorgeous women. He was the most popular guy on the beach. But Vladimir had no success.
Vladimir: "Luca! How do you do it? How do you attract so many beautiful women?"
Luca: "Well, I'll tell ya! But it's a secret, just between you and me. I don't want my system to become too public."
Vladimir: "OK. It's a deal."
Luca: "You see those potatoes over there? Well, every time I come to the beach I take one and put it in my Speedo. When the women see it, they come running from miles around."
Vladimir: "That's it? I can do that."
The next day, Vladimir went over to the produce stand and picked out the biggest, most perfectly shaped potato he could find. He then went into the changing room and slipped it into his Speedo. As he walked out onto the beach, he immediately noticed that women and men began to notice him. "It's working, he thought." But soon he began to realize that they were not looking interested but rather upset, almost disgusted by the sight of him. He rushed over to Luca and asked, "Luca, what's the problem? Why isn't it working?"
Luca: "Because you're supposed to put the potato in the FRONT!!"
Coffee and Donuts
Q: Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A: The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
The Elegant Crapper
A man with greasy jeans, a flannel shirt, and work boots approaches the headwaiter in an elegant restaurant. The man says, "Hey buddy, where's your crapper?" The headwaiter calmly replies, "Go down the hall and turn left. When you see the sign marked 'Gentlemen,' pay absolutely no attention to it and go right inside."