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The best jokes and joke writers!

Destination Unknown

A passenger piled his luggage on the scale at an airline counter in New York and said to the ticket agent: I'm flying to Los Angeles.  I want the large bag sent to Denver and the two small ones to Cincinnati."  "I'm sorry sir, but we can't do that," said the ticket agent. "That's good to hear because that's where they ended up the last time I flew this route."

Murphy's Travel Laws

Murphy Laws For Frequent Flyers...

  • No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight. If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate within the terminal. If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed.
  • Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.
  • If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon as you touch pen to paper.
  • If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just look for the two largest passengers.
  • Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the lavatory.
  • The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you.
  • The best-looking woman on your flight is never seated next to you.
  • The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard. 

Lost

Q: What’s empty and goes round and around?

A: A Malaysia Airlines baggage carousel.

Overloaded

A British Airways flight was headed towards Jamaica when the pilot makes an announcement; "Ladies and Gentlemen, our planes seems to be overloaded and we seem to be losing altitude. We will be offloading some baggage to help us on our way"... Half an hour later the pilot makes another announcement; "Ladies and Gentlemen we are still overweight and we regret to inform you we will be offloading passengers, but to be fair we will be doing it in alphabetical order"

"Will all Africans come to the front? Now can the Blacks, Coons and Darkies follow them?"

At the back of the plane a black man and his kid are ducked down looking nervous, the son says to his dad, "Dad, aren't we all of those people?" To which the father replies in a whisper, "yes son, but today we are NIGGERS"

The Christmas Airport

It was a few days before Christmas. The trip went reasonably well, and he was ready to go back home. The airport on the other end had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols. Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood, (Almost a scrooge). Going to check on his luggage, which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes, he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointier parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way. With a considerable degree of irritation and no where else to vent it, he said to the attendant, "Even if we were married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe."
"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is."
"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss."
"That's not why it's there."
"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?"
"It's there so you can kiss your luggage good-bye."