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The best jokes and joke writers!

Police Quotes

  • "The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
  • "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
  • "So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
  • "Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
  • "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
  • "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"
  • "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
  • "Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."
  • "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
  • "Just how big were those two beers?"
  • "In God we trust, all others are suspects."

Police Stop

A cop stops a miner for speeding on the highway.

COP: Whose car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do?

Miner: mine

The Unfair Speeding Ticket

A man was speeding down a Alabama highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.  The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"  "Ever go a fishin'?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.  "Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied. The officer grinned and added, "Did you ever catch 'em all?"

Arresting a Mute

If the police arrest a mute, do they still tell him "he has the right to remain silent"?

Game Warden

A game warden came upon a duck hunter who had bagged 3 ducks and decided to "enforce the laws pending." He stopped the hunter, flashed his badge and said, "Looks like you've had a pretty good day. Mind if I inspect your kill?" The hunter shrugged and handed the ducks to the warden. The warden took one of the ducks, inserted his finger into the duck's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, "This here's a Washington state duck. Do you have a Washington state hunting license?" The hunter pulled out his wallet and calmly showed the warden a Washington state hunting license. The warden took a second duck, inserted his finger in the bird's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, "This here's an Idaho duck. Do you have an Idaho state hunting license?" The hunter, a bit put out, produced an Idaho state hunting license. The warden took a third duck, conducted the same finger test, and said, "This here's an Oregon state duck. Do you have an Oregon state hunting license?" Once again, only this time more aggravated, the hunter produced the appropriate license. The warden, a little miffed at having struck out, handed the ducks back to the hunter and said, "You've got all of these licenses, just where the hell are you from?" The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and said "You're so smart, YOU tell ME!"