Things You'd Love to Say at Work Continued

Things You'd Love to Say At Work Continued.
1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
2. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
3. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
4. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
5. Do I look like a freakin' people person?
6. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
7. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
8. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
9. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
10. You! Off my planet!
11. I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.
12. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
13. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
14. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
15. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
16. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
17. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
18. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
19. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
20. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
21. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
22. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
23. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!
24. Adults are just kids who owe money.
25. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
26. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
27. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
28. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
29. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.
30. You look like shit. Is that the style now?
31. Earth is full. Go home.
32. Is it time for your medication or mine?
33. Does this condom make me look fat?
34. I plead contemporary insanity.
35. And which dwarf are you?
36. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. Meandering to a different drummer.
39. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
40. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

Workplace Insanity

HOW TO MAINTAIN A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY IN THE WORKPLACE

• Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
• Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is of a different gender than you.
• Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-cha."
• Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."
• Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as much since you did this.
• While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call everyone Madge.
• Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way.
• Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.
• Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask him or her if they want fries with that.
• Send e-mail back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the email to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.
• Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing.
• Put your trash can on your desk. Label it "IN."
• Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.
• Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."
• Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.

Hard Work

Hard work never hurt anyone, but why take the chance?