Military Jokes - Army Jokes

Seems there was a young soldier, who, just before battle, told his sergeant that he didn't have a rifle. "That's no problem, son," said the sergeant. "Here, take this broom. Just point it at the Germans, and go 'Bangety Bang Bang'." "But what about a bayonet, Sarge?" asked the young (and gullible) recruit. The sergeant pulls a piece of straw from the end of the broom, and attaches it to the handle end. "Here, use this... just go, 'Stabity Stab Stab'." The recruit ends up alone on the battlefield, holding just his broom. Suddenly, a German soldier charges at him. The recruit points the broom, "Bangety Bang Bang!" The German falls dead. More Germans appear. The recruit, amazed at his good luck, goes "Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!" He mows down the enemy by the dozens. Finally, the battlefield is clear, except for one German soldier walking slowly toward him. "Bangety Bang Bang! shouts the recruit. The German keeps coming. "Bangety Bang Bang!" repeats the recruit, to no avail. He gets desperate. "Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!" It's no use. The German keeps coming. He stomps the recruit into the ground, and says, "Tankety Tank Tank."

In the army, you have to pay $85 if you lose your rifle.

That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.

General McKenzie was in charge of the Navy, and he was visiting his colleague General Marshall, who was in charge of the Army. McKenzie arrives at the military camp and is greeted by Marshall. They both walk around the place, and McKenzie asks, "So how are your men?"

"Very well trained, Grnl. McKenzie."

"I hope so. You see, my men over at the Navy are so well trained, you could see they're the bravest men all over the country."

"Well, my men are very brave, too."

"I'd like to see that." So Marshall calls Private Johnson and says, "Private Johnson! I want you to stop that tank coming here with your body!"

"Are you crazy? It'd kill me, you idiot! I'm out of here!" As Private Johnson ran away, Marshall turned to a bewildered McKenzie and said, "You see? You have to be pretty brave to talk like that to a general."

• A Purple Heart proves three things: you were smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.
• 10 second fuses only last 7 seconds.
• Anything you do can get you shot, even doing nothing.
• Clay-mores are labeled "This side toward enemy" for a reason.
• Don't draw fire, it irritates the people around you.
• Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever, ever volunteer to do anything.
• Don't look conspicuous: it draws fire. If it's stupid but works, it really isn't stupid.
• If the enemy is in range, so are you.
• If the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is *not* our friend.
• If you can't remember, the clay-more is pointed at you.
• If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.
• Incoming fire has the right of way.
• It is generally unadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.
• Make it too tough for the enemy to get in and you can't get out.
• Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
• Never share a fox hole with anyone braver than you.
• Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous.
• Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at.
• The easy way is always mined.
• The enemy invariably attacks on one of two occasions: A) When you're not ready for them. B) When you're ready for them. Either time is inconvenient and generally a bummer.
• The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
• The quartermaster has only two sizes: too large and too small.
• Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo. When in doubt empty the magazine.

At the morning roll call at Fort Dix, the sergeant called out, "Platoon, atten-HUT! Private Martinez, report to the office. Your brother died last night. "The Chaplain, Rabbi Horowitz, looked on in horror. "Sergeant," he said afterwards, "that's a rather cruel and unfeeling way to break tragic news. We must be more gentle and less abrupt in the future," The sergeant shrugged. "Yes sir. I'll try to remember that." He didn't look very convinced. Several days later, a call came in about another family death. As the troops were assembling for roll call, the Chaplain stepped forward. "Let me take this one, sergeant", he said. He turned toward the sleepy-looking soldiers and said, "Platoon, atten-HUT !" They came to attention. "Good morning, men!" he said. "Good morning, sir", they replied. "Men, today is Mother's Day, and I hope all of you will be calling home to send your moms a loving thought. In fact, all of you who are fortunate enough to still have a mother who's alive and well, take two steps forward. Private Jones, not so fast!"