We're sorry, but it appears that you are using an anonymous proxy. To prevent fraudulent voting, we don't allow votes from anonymous proxies.

This contest requires users to be registered in order to vote.

You must be a registered user to submit a joke.  But registering is FREE and don’t worry, we only need a name and e-mail address, and we don’t sell or share your information with any third-parties (see Privacy Policy).

You must complete account validation before submitting jokes. Click here to go to your profile page to complete the process.

We’re sorry, but your browser settings indicate that you don’t want to be tracked.  You can either disable that setting or simply register for a FREE account, so we’ll know that you want us to track your preferences and feedback.  Don’t worry, we only need a name and e-mail address and we don’t sell or share your information with any third-parties (see Privacy Policy).


The best jokes and joke writers!

Monty Python Answering Machine

English accent: Hello, you've reached the phone of Monty Python. I can't come to the phone right now because the witch has turned me into a newt! I'll call you back when I get better.

Answering Machine - Color Shirt

Please leave your name, phone number, the time you called, and your favorite color of shirts. We'll get back to you if we like the color. 

President's Answering Machine

The President is not in his office at this time. Please leave your name, phone number, the name of the country you wish to invade, and the secret password. 

Answering Machine - World Domination

Voice 1: Gee, Dave, what do you feel like doing tonight? Voice 2: Same thing we do every night, Rob... Try to take over the world! (Sing:) They're David and the Rob, Yes, David and the Rob, One is a drummer, the other needs a job. They're not at home right now, so please don't have a cow, Leave a message -- for David and the Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob.

Answering Machine - Burglar

(Noisy pick-up of phone.) Hi, I'm a burglar and I was just about to steal Troy's answering machine. If you give me your name and number I'll... Uh, I'll post it on the fridge where he'll see it. Uh... By the way, where did you say you live?