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The best jokes and joke writers!

Speakers for a Sociopath

Craigslist Ad:

Are you single? Family and friend free? Scorned by your neighbors? Now you can be! Alienate them completely by playing your shitty mixtape at full volume all the fucking time.

Sick of the neighbor kid who plays the same shitty top-40 R&B mix tape every morning at 6 when she (or he, I'm not sexist) wakes up for school? Fulfill your fantasies of becoming a modern day Marquis de Sade and blast Canadian Superstar Raffi's hit single, Bananaphone, straight through their skulls at 3AM until they beg for mercy.

For the budding sociopath in you, I present the most unreasonable speakers ever to live in a New York City walk up apartment: the Acoustic Research P428 PS'sesses's.

With a classy black ash vinyl veneer, chipped in some corners, these speakers will lend an air of dumpster-chic to your hovel. Featuring a 4-way design, these babies have a soft dome tweeter that I have completely resisted pushing in. The mid-range and woofer cones are in remarkably good shape. I assume that they sold their soul to the devil. At the bottom, each MDF monolith features an integrated, rear-firing subwoofer with built in amp. When you turn them on, a red led by the tweeter turns green, telling you to go. Just go. You don't want to be near these things unless you hate your eardrums.

Have I mentioned that they are loud? They are. Do not set anything fragile anywhere near them. Fuck these speakers.

Why am I getting rid of them, you ask?

They're cramping my style, man. These things take up the valuable space I need to lounge naked on my floor, drinking sherry, and ignoring my love child like a modern day Oscar Wilde as I listen to bands you haven't heard of yet at an appropriately sensitive volume.

Cash sale only. No exceptions. If you're the kind of person who wants these speakers, you're probably not the kind of person I would like to interact with for long. Because I'm a douche. And so are you.

If you're not a haggling, sentient bag of dicks, I have an older Yamaha amp that I will give or sell you for cheap. I don't need it no more, ya hear?

Edit: Holy shit, $50 cheaper because I only have people telling me they like the ad, not that they want to buy some god-damn speakers.

IMCA registered unicorn mare

Craigslist Ad:

5 year old white unicorn mare, broke to ride, some trail experience. Friendly with humans and dogs, should be kept separate from horses because they get jealous. International Mythical Creatures Association registration parchment scroll on hand, can only be read under the light of a full moon so come on the 18th. Poops some glitter, mostly just poop though.
Serious inquiries only, please.

Procrastination Station

Craigslist Ad:

Are you in need of a designated area at which to not do the things in your life that need doing? Boy, are you in luck. In addition to the standard desk features like top, bottom, and sides, this particular command center comes equipped with a built-in excuse feature. The Bottomless Drawer is guaranteed to lose bills you can't afford, homework you don't understand, and divorce papers you aren't ready to sign. The other drawers are perfect for hoarding popped bubble wrap, bent paperclips, fast food receipts, inexplicably sticky cough drops, and inkless pens. Our treasures have been cleared and cleaned to make room for yours.

For the most excellent price of FREE, you can get in on this sweet, sweet action. Leave this beast in its raw form to lend legitimacy to your Anthropologie faux found decor, or slap on a few coats of pastel Annie Sloan and some "Live Laugh Love" decals to assume your rightful place as a shabby chic Pinterest legend. You hold the power.

Just when you thought it couldn't get better: It's already outside, out front, and ready for loading- no awkward human contact required, except for with the friends that you bring with you in the truck that you *will* need. It is startlingly heavy. Like, spaceship heavy. I'll delete the post when someone has stopped procrastinating long enough to pick it up.

Nail Clipper Costume

Craigslist Ad:

This is made of the highest quality parts that the National ACE hardware on McKinley has to offer.
Is that PVC I smell? Nah son, 1/2" CPVC all DAY. Why is it so stiff? That's cause it's constructed with triple-ply cardboard. Is that Roundy's tin foil? OH FO SHO, that is straight Reynolds Wrap. Shiny side up. Why do I feel like it's Scotch-Guarded? Calm yourself, that's just saran wrap (for ultimate protection (from harm (and terror))).
Aluminum cam for smooth movements. Spring operated for speedy clipping. Lightweight for stealth and mobility.
There are caveats: You won't win the costume contest. Women won't flock to you. Well, they might, but it's more than likely they'll say things like:
- What are you?
- What made you think of that?
- You're dumb.
- That's nice that your mom gave you money and let you out of the house to play in public.
Come get this thing. I spend way too much time building nonsense, and you are being rewarded. Nail clippers come with 4 strings of (working) icicle-style Christmas lights. Will not separate.