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The best jokes and joke writers!

Harvard University Visit

A high school senior was inspecting Harvard University, where he hoped to attend the following autumn. As he was walking across the Quad, he stopped a distinguished-looking man and asked, "Sir, can you please tell me where your library is at?"

The man looked down his nose and replied, "Son, I'm head of the English department, and I can assure you we don't end our sentences with prepositions. Re-cast your sentence in a proper form and I will reply."

"Can you tell me where your library is at, ass-hole?"

School Trouble

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's three schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."

DOA Kitty

A kindergarten student told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT?" the teacher yelled in shock. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

Old Never Dies 12

OLD TEACHERS never die, they just lose their class

OLD TELEPHONES never die, they just stop ringing

OLD THERMODYNAMICISTS never die, they just achieve their state -- of maximum entropy

OLD TIRE TUBES never die, they just get punctured

OLD TRASH never dies, they just bury it

OLD TRIGONOMETRY TEACHERS never die, they just lose their identities

OLD TROMBONISTS never die - they just slide away...

OLD TRUCK DRIVERS never die; they just get a new Peterbilt

OLD TV SHOWS never die, they just get rerun on Nickelodeon

OLD TV SOAP STARS never die, they become pathetic

OLD GOAL UMPIRES never die, they just get flagged down -- umpires as in Australian Rules Football

OLD USENETTERS never die, they just become unresponsive

OLD VACATIONERS never die, they just don't come back

OLD VIOLINISTS never die - they just become unstrung.

OLD VOICEMAIL SYSTEMS never die, they just stop answering

Can't Take It With You

Four life-long friends, a doctor, lawyer, professor, and a businessman, belonging to the same exclusive club had made a pact. When one dies, they agreed, the others will lay $5,000 each on his coffin so he'll have some spending money in the after life. Well, one day the professor passes away. At his funeral the three friends took turns going up to the coffin and paying their respects. The doctor was first, laying 50 $100 bills inside the casket. Next was the businessman, tearfully placing his $5,000 cash next to his deceased friend. Then the lawyer approached the coffin, wrote out a check for $15,000, laid it in the casket, and picked up the 10 grand in cash.