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The best jokes and joke writers!

Jail Jokes

A man goes to prison and the first night while he's laying in bed contemplating his situation, he hears someone yell out, "44!" Followed by laughter from the other prisoners.

He thought that was pretty odd, then he heard someone else yell out, "72!" Followed by even more laughter. " What's going on?" he asked his cellmate. "Well, we've all heard every joke so many times, we've given them each a number to make it easier."

"Oh," he says, "can I try?" " Sure, go ahead." So, he yells out "102!" and the place goes nuts. People are whooping and laughing in a hysteria. He looks at his cellmate rolling on the ground with tears in his eyes from laughing so hard.

"Wow, good joke huh?" "Yeah! We ain't never heard that one before!"

Giving My Wife Back

After an intense high speed chase, an officer finally gets the lawbreaker to pull over. "You know," says the cop, "I was originally pulling you over to tell you your taillight is out. Why the hell did you take off like that?" "Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

Things Never to Say to a Cop

  1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
  2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
  3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
  4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
  5. Are You Andy or Barney?
  6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
  7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
  8. I pay your salary!
  9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
  10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
  11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
  12. When the Officer says "Gee Son.. Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

Driving Home Very Drunk

It seems a gentleman had too much alcohol at a party, was heading home, and was pulled over by a state trooper. Upon being tested, the fellow couldn't walk a straight line any more than he could drive one, so the trooper wrote out a ticket and had just given it to the driver before an accident in the opposite lane took his attention to more important matters. The inebriated driver, figuring that the trooper wasn't coming back to him, drove home and went to bed. He was awakened in the morning by a knock at the door, created by two more state troopers. "Are you Mr. Johnson?" they asked? He admitted that he was. "Were you pulled over at Main Street last night for driving under the influence?" Again, the man admitted that was he. "And what did you do then," the troopers asked. The man replied that he drove his car home and went to bed. "Where is your car now?" the troopers enquired. The man answered that it was in the garage. "May we see the car?" asked the troopers. The man answered, "Sure," and opened the garage. Inside the garage was the state troopers car.

Top 12 Ways to go to Jail

Drink too much this holiday?  Here are the top 12 things NOT to say if pulled over:

12. Hey, wasn't your daughter a porn queen?

11. I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunkin' Donuts has a 3 for 1 special!

10. If I bend over, will I still get a ticket?

9. No, offi, offic, lucifer . . . I'm not as think you are drunk I am. I swear to dog.

8. No, I don't know how fast I was going. The little needle stops at 110 mph.

7. Back off, Barney, I've got a piece.

6. Want to race to the station, Sparky?

5. I know I was weaving, but I was trying to hit all the little green men!

4. On the way to the station let's get a six pack.

3. You'll never get those cuffs on me. . . You Homo!

2. Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!

1. Hold my beer, watch this...