Profession Jokes - Banker Jokes
When to Negotiate
The banker fell overboard from a friend's sailboat. The friend grabbed a life preserver, held it up, not knowing if the banker could swim, and shouted, "Can you float alone?" "Obviously," the banker replied, "but this is a heck of a time to talk business."
A middle aged man walks into the bank and says to the young teller, "I want to open a fucking checking account". "Please sir", she replies, "we can't have language like that in here." "Why the Fuck not?" he asked. "Sir," Came her retort, "I must ask you to refrain from swearing." "I don't give a shit what you want," he answers, "I just want to open a fucking checking account." With this the teller leaves and returns in a moment with her branch manager. The manager asks if he might be able to help the gentleman. "Shit yes", came the reply, "I just won 14 million dollars in the lottery and want to open a fucking checking account." The branch manager says, "I see, and this stupid, fucking, bitch is giving you a hard time?"
A hooded robber burst into a North Dakota bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door, a brave North Dakota customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robber's face. The robber shot the customer without a moment’s hesitation. He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him too. Everyone in the bank, now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence. The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?" There are a few moments of complete silence in which everyone was too afraid to speak. Then, one old Norwegian named Ole from North Dakota tentatively raised his hand and said, "My wife got a pretty good look at you."
Bankers Are Great Lovers
Q: Why do bankers make great lovers?
A: They know the penalty for early withdrawal.
He was a junior bank executive and he had swindled one hundred thousand dollars from his bank - all of which he'd lost at the races. The bank examiners were coming the next day, and when he confessed the whole thing to his wife, she packed her bags and left him.
Totally despondent, he walked to a nearby bridge and stood at the edge of it about to jump off and end it all. Suddenly a voice called, "Young man, don't do that! There is no need to end your life! I'm a witch and I can help you!"
"I doubt it," he said sadly, "I've stolen a hundred thousand dollars from the bank, for which I'll probably be arrested tomorrow, and my wife has left me."
"Young man, witches can do anything," she said. "I'm going to perform a witch miracle. "She said, "ALAKAZAM! The hundred thousand dollars has been replaced and there's another hundred thousand in your safe deposit box! ALAKAZAM! Your wife is back home again!"
He looked at her in disbelief, "Is this all true?" he asked.
"Of course," she said, "But to keep it true you must do one thing."
"Anything!" he said, "Anything!"
"You must take me to a motel and make passionate love to me."
He stared at her. She was an ugly old crone- as ugly as they could be, dressed in rags. Nevertheless, he agreed to her terms. He took her to a motel and made love to her all night.
In the morning, as he was getting dressed and combing his hair in front of the mirror, she lay on the bed watching silently. Finally, she asked, "Sonny, how old are you?"
"I'm thirty-two," he said.
"Tell me something, then," she said. "Aren't you a little too old to believe in witches?"