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Weather Warning

Southerners are urged not to travel unless absolutely necessary.

Northerners: You will need your big coat.

Thanksgiving Forecast

Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder. During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy. A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator. Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.

Yo Mama - Air Conditioner

Yo' Mama is so stupid, she put the air conditioner in backwards so she could chill outside.

Forecast

The forecast calls for a wintry mix followed by a warming trend of you in my hot tub.

Winter Weather Alert

(Name of your town) News: If you are inside right now then it is advised you do not go out. There have been reports of ICES in our town. First they were spotted on our bridges, now ICES have gotten to our roads. For those that still plan on leaving their houses, the only gun that will work on ICES is a salt rifle. Also, watch out for black ICES which are known to be more dangerous than regular ICES. Stay tuned for more updates.