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The best jokes and joke writers!

Insurance Claim Statements

  • Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
  • The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.
  • I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my hand through it.
  • I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
  • A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
  • A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
  • I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the other way.
  • I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
  • In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
  • I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision.
  • I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
  • I was on my way to the doctors with rear end trouble, when my universal joints gave way, causing me to have an accident.
  • Upon collision and in a flash of blue, I hit my head, twisted my neck, and tossed the lower part of my body out the side window.
  • To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
  • My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
  • An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
  • I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a skull fracture.
  • I was sure the old fellow would not make it to the other side of the street when I struck him.
  • The pedestrian had no idea which way to go, so I ran over him.
  • I saw the slow moving, sad faced gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
  • I was thrown from my car as it left the road, I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
  • The telephone pole was approaching fast. I attempted to swerve out of its way, when it struck the front of my car.
  • The accident occurred with me waving to the man I hit last week.
  • I hit a bus stop sign that was obscured by human beings.
  • The pedestrian was all over the road, I had to swerve a few times before I hit him.
  • A bull was standing near and a fly must have tickled him as he gored my car.
  • A stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
  • I immediately applied my brakes as the vehicle struck the cement wall, thus bringing my car to a complete halt.
  • I left my car unattended for a minute when by accident it ran away.
  • I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress, then we met on impact.
  • I struck the young man with my husband's car. He wanted to call the police but after having a look at my particulars he decided we should go to his apartment and settle things in private.
  • I thought I could squeeze between two trucks when my car became squashed.
  • I thought my car was in reverse but I found otherwise when it lurched forward, doing injury to a parking meter. When the police arrived the meter had expired.
  • I was contemplating continuous travel of a relaxing nature when, without due justification or color of right, my vehicle was struck in the rear by a vehicle driven by a person of obvious sub-normal intelligence.
  • I was on my way through a green light, with 3 witnesses, on the way to the accident that was about to happen.
  • I was unable to control my car when it went berserk and struck another vehicle.
  • I was unable to stop in time, and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers left immediately for a vacation with injuries.
  • My car hit a pothole and came to rest approximately fifteen feet below the surface of the road.
  • My girlfriend kissed me. I lost control and woke up in the hospital.
  • My mind became confused by a sign that read "Free Puppy for Sale". The next thing I remember, I was in the ditch.
  • No one was to blame for the accident but it never would have happened if the other driver had been alert.
  • The accident happened when a right front door of a car came around the corner without giving a signal.
  • The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.
  • The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in the bush with just his rear end showing.
  • The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
  • The other car attempted to cut in front of me, so I, with my right front fender, removed his left rear tail light.
  • The other driver looked like the usual lane-hopping type with thick horn rimmed glasses, pimply faced, brown suit and thick soled shoes.
  • The other driver struck my car with an Expired Drivers License then left the scene of the accident.
  • There was a heavy fog and I was unable to find the traffic lights. A witness told the police that the other driver had the lights with him when he entered the intersection.
  • When I pressed the windshield spray button my car left the road and struck a fire hydrant. I was unable to see the road because of the spray. My windows are clean.
  • When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.

Penguin Car Trouble

Once there was a penguin whose car broke down. He took it in to get it serviced, and while it was being worked on, he went shopping. He returned later that day to see what had happened to his car, and the mechanic told him, "It looks like you've blown a seal." The penguin, chuckling, and wiping his beak replied, "No, I've just eaten some ice-cream."

Bumper Stickers Seen

Bumper Stickers Seen

  • You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me.
  • I have the body of a god... Buddha.
  • This would be really funny if it weren't happening to me.
  • Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.
  • The face is familiar but i can't quite remember my name.
  • Illiterate? Write for help.
  • Honk if anything falls off.
  • He who hesitates is not only lost but miles from the next exit.
  • This isn't my idea of a good time.
  • It's been lovely, but I have to scream now.
  • Uniquely maladjusted, but fun.
  • This bumper sticker exploits illiterates.
  • I haven't lost my mind it's backed up on disk somewhere.
  • Oh, evolve!
  • Gone crazy be back shortly.
  • If you're not outraged you're not paying attention.

Texan with a New Car

Three cowboys were hanging out in the bunkhouse. "I know that smart aleck Tex," said the first. "He's going to start bragging about that new foreign car he bought as soon as he gets back." "Not Tex," the second cowboy replied. "He'll always be just a good ol' boy. When he walks in, I'm sure all he'll say is hello." "I know Tex better than either of you," said the third. "He's so smart, he'll figure out a way to do both. Here he comes now." Tex swung open the bunkhouse door and shouted, "Audi, partners!"

Pissing on a Ferrari

One day, a guy walks out from a shop to see someone pissing on his Ferrari. "Hey," says the man. "Why are you pissing on my Ferrari?" "Because I feel like it." "Tell you what -- I won't report you to the police if you can keep up with my Ferrari." "Whatever." So the guy gets in his car and drives off, going faster and faster, until he's hit 100 miles per hour. Amazingly, the guy is still keeping up. "I'm amazed," says the driver. "How are you keeping up?" "It's easy," says the running man, "when your dick is stuck in the door."