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Redneck Computer Terms

  • Backup - What you do when you sight a skunk in the woods.
  • Bar code - Them's the fight'n rules down da local tavern.
  • Bug - The reason you is a giv'n for calling in sick.
  • Byte - What yer pit bull dun to cusin Jethro.
  • Cache - Needed when you go to da store.
  • Chip - Yer cusin's uncle's mother's boyfriend's name.
  • Terminal - Time to call da undertaker.
  • Crash - When you go to Junior's party uninvited.
  • Digital - The art of counting on your fingers.
  • Diskette - A female Disco dancer.
  • Hacker - Uncle Leroy after thirty years of smoking.
  • Hardcopy - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.
  • Internet - Where cafeteria workers put their hair.
  • Keyboard - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.
  • Mac - Big Bob's favorite fast food.
  • Megahertz - How your head feels after seventeen beers.
  • Modem - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall.
  • Mouse pad - Where Mickey and Minnie live.
  • Network - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line.
  • Online - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test.
  • Rom - Where the pope lives.
  • Screen - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch.
  • Serial port - A red wine you drink with breakfast.
  • Superconductor - Amtrak's Employee of the year.
  • Scsi - What you call your week-old underwear.

Software Development Process

Software Development Process

  1. Order the T-shirts for the Development team
  2. Announce availability
  3. Write the code
  4. Write the manual
  5. Hire a Product Manager
  6. Spec the software (writing the specs after the code helps to ensure that the software meets the specifications)
  7. Ship
  8. Test (the customers are a big help here)
  9. Identify bugs as potential enhancements
  10. Announce the upgrade program

PC Pot

A Dell employee got busted for pot in Manhattan recently. President Bush and many conservative lawmakers are surprisingly upset, as they have always pushed the view that marijuana is a Gateway drug.

Computer Users

Computer users are divided into three types: Novice, Intermediate and Expert.

  • Novice Users - People who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer.
  • Intermediate Users - People who don't know how to fix their computer after they've just pressed a key that broke it.
  • Expert Users - People who press the keys that break other people's computers

Microsoft Market Penetration

Microsoft Market Penetration

INTRODUCING CONTRACEPTIVE98Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating every aspect of American life with the introduction of Contraceptive98, a suite of applications designed for users who engage in sex. Microsoft has been a pioneer in peer-to-peer connectivity and plug and play. It believes these technologies will give it substantial leverage in penetrating the copulation enhancement market. The product addresses two important user concerns: the need for virus protection and the need for a firewall to ensure the non-propagation of life. The Contraceptive98 suite consists of three products: Condom98, DeFetus 1.0 (from Sementec), and AIDScan 2.1 (from NortonUtilities). A free copy of Intercourse Explorer 4.0 is bundled in the package. The suite also comes in two expanded versions. Contraceptive98 Professional is the Client / Server edition, for professionals in the sexual services sector. Contraceptive98 Small Business Edition is a package for start-ups, aimed at the housewife and gigolo niches. While Contraceptive98 does not address non-traditional copulatory channels, future plug-ins are planned for next year. They will be known as BackDoor, AuraLee, TitElation, and JerkOff. 

OPERATION - Only one node in a peer-to-peer connection needs to install the package. At installation, the Condom98 software checks for minimum hardware. If the user meets the requirements, the product installs and is sufficiently scaleable to meet most requirements. After installation, operation commences. One caution is that the user must have sufficient RAM to complete the session. When the session is complete, a disconnect is initiated, and the user gets the message, "It is now safe to turn off your partner."

DRAWBACKS - Usability testers report that frequent failures were a major concern during beta testing. General Protection Fault was the most serious error encountered. Early versions had numerous bugs, but most of these have been eliminated. The product needs to be installed each time its used.

CONCLUSION - Contraceptive98 is a robust product. Despite its drawbacks, it is a reasonably good value for its $49.95 price tag, and is far superior to its shareware version. Hopefully, future releases (of the software, that is) will add missing functionality, such as Backout and Restore, Uninterruptible Power Supply, and Onboard Camera (Peepy Cam). Microsoft CEO Bill Gates is optimistic about Contraceptive98's potential. He recently said, "Our contraceptive products will help our customers do to each other what we've been doing to them for years."