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The best jokes and joke writers!

Texan, Russian, New Yorker Out to Eat

A Texan, a Russian and a New Yorker go into a restaurant in London. "Excuse me, but if you were going to order the steak, I'm afraid there's a shortage due to the mad cow disease," says the waiter. The Texan says, "What's a shortage?" The Russian says, "What's a steak?" The New Yorker says, "What's 'excuse me'?"

Casey McCarthy

Casey McCarthy had just arrived in New York City and was amazed at the enormity of everything. Having drunk a pint or two on the flight over, he sorely needed to relieve himself. The first door he entered happened to be a large health club, and he asked the clerk if he might use the men's room. The clerk said certainly and told Casey the men's room was the third door down the corridor on the left. Now Casey, trying to appear sober, weaved his way down the hallway remembering some of the directions. When he reached the third door, he turned RIGHT, opened the door and immediately fell into the deep end of a pool. The clerk, realizing Casey's mistake, ran down the hall and burst through the door, prepared to save him, and heard Casey shout, "Don't flush, I'm in here!"

Signs You're From New York

  • You say "the city" and expect everyone to know that this means Manhattan.
  • You secretly envy cabbies for their driving skill.
  • You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
  • You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park at 3:30 on the Friday before a long weekend, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
  • The homeless are invisible.
  • The subway makes sense.
  • The subway should never be called anything prissy, like the Metro.
  • You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.
  • You think $7.00 to cross a bridge is a fair price.
  • You've considered stabbing someone just for saying "The Big Apple".
  • Your door has more than three locks.
  • You go to a hockey game for the fighting, in the stands, to participate.
  • Your favorite movie has DeNiro in it.
  • The most frequently used part of your car is the horn.
  • You consider eye contact an act of overt aggression.
  • You call an 8' x 10' plot of patchy grass a yard.
  • You complain about having to mow it.
  • You are a skee-ball juggernaut.
  • You consider Westchester "Upstate".
  • You cried the day Ed Koch took over for Judge Wapner.

Taking the Ferry Home

John Smith lived in Staten Island, New York and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the ferryboat home every night. One evening, he got down to the ferry and found that there was a wait for the next boat, so John decided to stop at a nearby tavern. Before long he was feeling no pain.  When he got back to the ferry slip, the ferryboat was just eight feet from the dock. Smith, afraid of missing this one and being late for dinner, took a running leap and landed right on the deck of the boat.  "How did you like that jump, Buddy?" said a proud John to a deck hand.  "It was great," said the sailor. "But why didn't you wait? We were just pulling in!"

Standing Lady

Q: What does the Statue of Liberty stand for?

A: It can’t sit down.