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The best jokes and joke writers!

You're in New York City

You Know You're in New York City When:

  1. Nuns walk down the street carrying automatic weapons.
  2. You can run into the corner deli and have an eat-in lunch with dessert in the time it takes to cross the intersection of 8th and 42nd at rush hour.
  3. A flying saucer can pass overhead and you hear the locals say, "Ack. More damned aliens."
  4. The aroma of smoked meat is able to counteract the smell of smog and pollution.
  5. The priest in the cadillac behind you gives you the finger for cutting him off.
  6. You pass a convenience store advertising "Free green cards, no questions asked."
  7. The gas station attendants actually speak English.
  8. The unearthly pounding of the cranked up bass in the El Camino next to you is drowned out by the cabshonking their horns.
  9. A person with rainbow striped hair can pass by without anyone staring.
  10. The bumper sticker on the senior citizen's car in front of you reads, "Warning: I break for pedestrians."

New Yorkers Arrived

One day at the entrance to heaven, St. Peter saw a New York street gang. walk up to the Pearly Gates. This being a first, St. Peter ran to God and said, "God, there are some evil, thieving New Yorkers at the Pearly Gates. What do I do?". God replied, "Just do what you normally do with that type. Re-direct them down to hell."  St. Peter went back to carry out the order and all of a sudden he comes running back yelling "God, God, they're gone, they're gone!" "Who, the New Yorkers?". "No, the Pearly Gates."

Ooh La La

A couple is having an intimate dinner at Marea, New York's best Italian restaurant. Their server, standing a few tables away, watches as the guy slides all the way down his chair and out of sight. The woman across from him seems to not notice. The server comes over and says, "Excuse me, Ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table." The woman says, "No he didn't, he just walked in the door."

Hillary's New Gig

Did you hear that NYC paid Hillary Clinton $2,000,000 as a consultant for New Years Eve?

They wanted an expert on dropping the ball at the last second.

New York Bronze Sculptures

A man from Atlanta moved to New York. As he wandered the streets he stopped at an antique shop and decided to go in. On looking around he noticed a very strange looking bronze cat which had a tag on it saying, "Bronze Cat $30.00, Story $150.00." The man was very curious and asked the salesman to explain. "Well" said the man, "its just like it says, $30 for the cat and $150 for its story". "I'll just take the cat," said the man.
"Very well, but you will be back," said the salesman. The man left the shop with the cat in his pocket. As he walked down the street he heard a strange mewing sound. On turning around he noticed there were a couple of cats following him.
The further he walked the more cats seemed to follow him. As he got to the Brooklyn Bridge he turned to see thousands of cats behind him. "Screw this!" he said to himself and threw the bronze cat into the river. All the cats jumped into the river too and were drowned. The man returned to the shop where he bought the cat. "I knew you would be back. $150.00 for the story," said the salesman. "Forget the story," said the man. "Have you got a bronze Mets fan?"