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The best jokes and joke writers!

Deep Questions

If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?

If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of?

If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?

If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?

If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?

Why do they call it "chili" if it's hot?

Nike Stock

I sold all my Nike stock this afternoon.

It was a good run.

Bear Logic

Two campers were hiking in the forest when all of a sudden a bear jumps out of a bush and starts chasing them. Both campers start running for their lives, when one of them stops and starts to put on his running shoes. His partner says, "What are you doing? You can't outrun a bear!" His friend replies, "I don't have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun you!"

Benifits of Obesity

Obesity has been getting a lot of bad press recently. Research conducted entirely by thin people, has uncovered justification for their own masochistic obsessive-compulsive, fun-killing anal retentative lifestyles. One of the great problems with research, of course, is that the researchers tend to find what they're looking for. And when they find it, they stop looking for other things. It's important, therefore, not to believe research by pressure groups that start with preconceived ideas. Examples of findings not to believe: research on the benefits of exercise by phys. ed. department, on the hazards of cholesterol by an anorexic and on the joy of obesity by an overweight G. P. The whole obesity phobia was started by some statistics from a life insurance company purporting to show that people who were overweight didn't live as long as people who were underweight. These were very raw figures and led to some unwarranted conclusions. First, it was assumed that if the overweight group lost weight they'd live longer. This was totally unproved. It never will be proved, as there are just not enough people to study who've lost weight permanently. [95% of those who lose weight gain it back again within 5 years -ed] [and the yo-yo effect of losing then gaining many pounds repeatedly causes a greater health risk than staying overweight. -ed] Second, it did not address the possibility that the obese group might have another factor affecting lifespan. It seems this is very likely, since the Framington Study showed that if diabetics and those with heart disease were removed from the obese group, the obese group lived longer. Let's list some benefits of obesity: Overeating Is Fun. Make a list of all the pleasures that are in this life and you'll find the list isn't very long. The one pleasure that's life-long and never pales is eating. Carrying Fat Is Good Exercise. If you believe in exercise (I don't), surely carrying around 20 or 30 pounds of fat all day should be good for you. Obese People Are Nicer People. This is not just a hasty remark, but the result of careful clinical observation. I've seen an average of 20 patients a day for 30 years. I can tell you that these people are more jolly, more kind, more forgiving and just generally nicer. Although it could be the other way round, losing weight and keeping it off, is so rare that only obsessive-compulsives are able to do it. This may be admirable, but obsessive-compulsives aren't relaxing people to be with. [I agree. Really thin and athletic people are that way usually from a driving goal-oriented personality. In short, they are assholes. -ed.] Obese People Represent Superior Adaptation. In days gone by, there were many advantages to being able to convert excess food into fat. The long winters were better survived by those with a reserve of calories. Climatic Adaptation. Obese people can survive cold better. In particular, their cold-water survival ability has been demonstrated many times. Obese People Make Better Lovers. This is a fact known to romantics the world over. Bony lovers can never compete with what G.K. Chesterston referred to as the "promise of pneumatic bliss." Anorexia, a terrible condition, is rare among obese people. Those who consider the highly trained athlete to be the ideal human might want to consider the greatest duration runner of the animal kingdom, the pronghorn antelope of Wyoming. It can run 95km/h for an hour. It has tremendous lungs, an amazing cardiac output and a maximum oxygen uptake that might deplete the Earth's resources. So why didn't this marvel of nature become a widespread species? Since these antelopes have no body fat, and can stand neither cold nor lack or food, few survive the Wyoming winter. Think about it.

Here Chicken Chicken

Q: Where is the world's fastest chicken from?

A: Ethiopia!