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The best jokes and joke writers!

Women Speak In Estrogen and Men Listen In Testosterone

WOMEN SPEAK IN ESTROGEN AND MEN LISTEN IN TESTOSTERONE

RELATIONSHIPS:

When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, and 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need.

SEX:

Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.

MATURITY:

Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.

MAGAZINES:

Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.

HANDWRITING:

To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note!!!

BATHROOMS:

A man has six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

GROCERIES:

A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

CATS:

Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

LAUNDRY:

Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."

THE TELEPHONE:

Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

RICHARD GERE:

Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women.

MADONNA:

Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.

LOCKER ROOMS:

In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker-sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.

MOVIES:

Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.

TIME:

When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football game just has five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs, commercials, or replays.

FRIENDS:

Women on a girl's night out talk the whole time. Men on a boy's night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are "Pass the Doritos or Got any more beer?"

RESTROOMS:

Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms as social lounges. Men in a restrooms will never speak a word to each other. Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey, Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?"

When Man Is Smartest

Q: Why is a man at his smartest when he is having sex?

A: Because he's plugged into a woman!

25 Rules for Women

  1. Sports Center starts at 11:00 PM and runs an hour. This is a great time to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer or talk to your sister. Do not bother me!!
  2. Two hot dogs and a beer at a baseball game DO, in fact, constitute going out to dinner.
  3. Unlike you, we essentially want to dress just exactly like all our friends. Thus, you need not go much further than the Gap, J. Crew, Banana Republic or the local Patagonia store.
  4. If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?
  5. Butthead is the smart one.
  6. Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear?
  7. You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.
  8. Silence does not need to be filled with discussions about "us" and "the relationship."
  9. Things you can help with: the Sunday crossword, yard work, the dishes, cleaning, and grocery shopping.
  10. Things you should let us do alone: figuring out where we are, watching anything on TBS, playing cards, smoking cigars and picking out the beer.
  11. Socks never constitute a gift.
  12. Department stores and malls were designed so that when you want to look at bed linen, shower curtains or handbags, there are always some speakers, tires or sporting equipment nearby.
  13. We don't know anything about handbags. Don't even ask.
  14. We DID water the plants. They died anyway. Nobody knows why this happens.
  15. Even if you think he's cute, Kevin Costner can't act.
  16. Of course, neither can Elle McPherson, but she had the good sense to make the movie "Sirens" rather than "Waterworld."
  17. Curley is the bald one.
  18. Compromise does not mean that we abandon our position in favor of yours.
  19. Sports Illustrated is a better magazine than Cosmopolitan. Just accept that.
  20. It is neither in your interest nor ours to take The Quiz together.
  21. Unless you are willing to follow the careers of Mo Vaughn, Cal Ripken, David Robinson, Michael Jordan, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Chris Farley, don't expect us to know what Helen Gurley Brown, Hilary Clinton, Naomi Wolf or your mother are up to.
  22. Sex on a weeknight is generally welcome. Three hours of post-coital conversation is not.
  23. Dinner out is a pretty good birthday present. Two tickets to a ball game are even better.
  24. No, you can't have the remote control.
  25. If you must take us with you into Victoria's Secret, never, ever leave us alone. All the old fat ladies make mean faces at us and only add to our discomfort.

No Pubic Hair?

A husky foreigner, looking for sex, accepted a prostitute's terms. When she undressed, he noticed that she had no pubic hair. The man shouted, "What, no wool? In my country all women have wool down there. "The prostitute snapped back, "What do you want to do, knit or fuck?"

Men and Women

Q: What's the difference between men and women?

A: Women must play hard to get; men must get hard to play!